Why is it that when I was doing my degree, I felt my photographic practice was justified and I could pursue any idea that I wished without questioning its validity or wondering if I was exploiting my subjects. Everyone seemed to accept my odd /creative ideas, (presumably because I was mid degree) and yet now, post degree, it all seems so different….
On Sunday I went to church, the first time in many years, to meet the parishioners that would potentially become part of the project. They were lovely , friendly people. The service was modern and easy to follow, and enjoyable. Chatted to plenty of people who were interested in my ideas; I was invited to a small group meeting in someones house to get to know people better, and to a quiz night later this week.
But I am now finding it all a bit uncomfortable and want to step back. Somehow it feels as though I am intruding, or perhaps it is that I am intending to try to photograph their faith or their demonstration of it, something that is very personal and individual. Am I invading ther privacy?
While in the church I was thinking of what would make a good image. I loved the way the children were included in the service and weren’t afraid to wrestle on the carpet after the service when we were all drinking tea and chatting. There could have been some good pictures , but the parents might not have been so keen for me to photograph their children anyway.
I am beginning to think that this could be another “go nowhere” project, something I start but don’t finish because I feel awkward about it for some reason. The Advanced Professional Practice module seemed straightforward enough when I did it, but it didn’t include how to address internal conflict, lack of confidence, and crises of conscience post graduation. Now the protective cloak of student hood has gone, it seems I am exposed, and not the resourceful person I always claimed to be….what a disappointment.
I am feeling that maybe I should just photograph landscapes, or architecture or pretty flowers – just something I don’t have to interact with, or explain my ideas too. A subject that needs no understanding, that is obvious, shallow, that doesn’t make people look at me in a strange way…Maybe I should just become a hermit, a hermit with a large format camera, living in a cave……
