Changing times
I am about to get on a bus to Glasgow, final destination is the Centre For Contemporary art. At 1pm I will be giving a tour of the galleries and an introduction to the artists involved in BAS7. During this I will think of flying, singing, bin diving and food. I will weave like an otter from art work to art work using the notes I have just made and gestures of so called significance with my hands to extract any form of concentration the audience may have wished to have paid to the words that I speak. In reality I will tell them the following and I will play the magician. After the tour I will then eat:
Triangulated airplane music
“When I worked on the airlines, we used to play our own selection of music: the office would receive letters and phone calls after the flights I crewed, from people asking what the music was. They wanted to hear more. So we played more from my own selection. Before long though the royalties did begin to seep in: now we play spin off pop songs sang by second-rate artists who always hit a note too high when we’re decending lower and lower. And as we touch the ground the plastic taste of the airplane food is concretised by the electronic drastic resonance of a cheap keyboard preset for “Triangle”.”
Fake restaurant review
“If you walk in to the restaurant around six thirty in the evening you will most likely bump in to the waiter serving Poission at a reduced rate. Poission is a form of chicken served in small numbers and even smaller sizes – and they taste phenomenal. The atmosphere is somewhat drab though, and could do with a bit of updating in terms of its royalties and the music it plays, it needs a bit of charitable input, so to speak…”
Delectables
Who else collects food – the way of the artist is to hit a posh enough supermarket at the right sort of time. There are two times that are best, one just after dusk (depending on the time of year) after the out of date food is thrown out. Another time is usually early evening when someone is paid to scour the shelves for produce that will otherwise be thrown out that day, to take their labeller and ticket each item accordingly – thus making your food expenses lesser and lesser still.
Bin Dive
I have a friend, she lives in Bristol now and works as a carpenter, who used to know the way in to our local supermarket’s bin yard that was barred by iron gates. She would, with her nose to the ground, slither underneath the gates (I was usually on watch at this point, ready to give signal if anyone turned round the corner) and appear on the other side. Like some kind of otter she would mount each bin one by one and dive in. A few minutes later she would surface with healthy-balance yogurt drinks, tinned fruit, cakes and bread.
