"There is inherent in motherhood a continual giving up of self and few of us take to that without resentment, which in itself creates a river of guilt' ('Fruitful', Anne Roiphe, quoted by Kate Figes in 'Life After Birth', my current parenthood late night reading..).
I have left very provoked recently by suggestions (from other women artists, strangely enough), that now I have two children, my practice has to be to some extent , completely given up for a while, or at least, only pursued in a superficial way, as a kind of sideline. The conversations around these were certainly worth my over-dramatic reaction as they force the question for me of why I make my work and how. I can see the value of recognising there is something to give up- a fixed idea of how I make my work and the scale and frequency of my contact with its audience. However, I remain convinced that the constraints motherhood puts apon my capacity to make work as and when I like, have and will enriched the work itself, and enable me to find a way to fit my work into a new and more fluid emotional, logistical and intellectual framework. I would not have made either The Loom or Mother to Mother without these constraints present.
This path requires certain strategies which I am now creating in order to make it work ; creating a studio within our house for me to escape to between feeds and needs, some daytime childcare support, designated headspace to think and feel my way into this phase of developing work (short walks up to the downs, morning pages, reading sessions in cafes after school drop-off and while Moses has his morning naps), and generally being much more organized on all levels.
I am also thinking about setting up some sessions with other Mother –artists to explore and document current dilemmas on this subject, to try to explode the myth that a woman artist who seeks to work in a credible way cannot also mother adequately.
Last week I went to the funeral of a friend who had died quite young, suddenly. There is always a searing pain that arises when a loss like this occurs, which plugs me straight into how much I miss my mother. However it also raises the question of The Gift which is given through an experience of loss – vacuums don’t remain vacuums for very long- and I think with this giving up of a part of oneself, whether through a bereavement or birth, will arrive an opportunity for being/doing/thinking in a completely new way.
