holding down the muse by her tail…

ok, I am going to cut out the laboured optimism… Here it is, straight and honest:

…now I feel refreshed and human again (after a bath and short rest).

But I don’t think that I did a very god job with this exhibition. I am not happy about the amount of compromises I had to make.

And I made a couple of ill fitting choices. I know that I like the aesthetic of re-used materials, why then did I use new ones?
It’s creating an incoherence within the already compromised work.

Everyone is too nice about it all. It’s obviously lovely to know you like me so much, but I feel almost worse for receiving nothing but positive responses.
Can not someone at least agree with me that it’s all pretty poor..?

It would console me more if someone just came and told me that I am right, that it’s below standard and that they too hope the next one will be better. Because there is no time for Mickey Mouse attempts at art, there are too many of them already.

Well. I think that a part of the problem is the venue itself, I was hoping to claim the space sufficently with the large projection screens, but since I had to compromise and have smaller ones everything is just too ‘bitty’… The film of course we don’t even need to talk about, it is absolutely evident that it needs filming again, with more film stock (more money) and lighting (more money).. Ideally in a studio (more money..).

The aspect that I am reasonably happy with is that I didn’t give up. Although I am not entirely sure wether that is commendable or plain stubborn crazyness.

The concept, the idea is still one that I stand behind strongly, but it was too hard to work completely on my own, with no real collaborators. The communities / individuals whom I worked with were good to me, and I am certainly not holding them responsible for not helping me more with the process. The real issue is that I feel that I am as much an insular as collective animal and that I missed the collective whilst enjoying far too large a quantity of the insular… I struggle at the best of times to keep a healthy balance but during the past 6 weeks I have reallty felt the lack of an immediate community of which I am part of.

I am not sure what the solution may be. I know that I have to monitor my cine projectors for the next 3 weeks, to save the films from being scrunched up inside them.. In the same time I have 2 further project applications to write and post in time. One for a project in Liverpool to be presented by Mercy and the other a residency in a cathedral which I know I am under-qualified for (…yes, and judging by this work here… – but not much longer, another year or so of continuous application to my work and I should have much better chances..). And I need to make some drawing work. It’s a skill that is getting rusty, so it’s time to re-focus and throw myself into the practice. I love my charcoal, ink, pencils and paper…

That’s where happiness lies, it sits on the line as it forms on the paper, not quite sure of where it will lead next, but it’s oh so seductive to see it appear..

The cathedral and I agreed that opening times may be the best option for my films. I wish I had some volunteers to invidulate the show with me, taking turns.. So it looks like most days I will be there from about 10:00 to 12:00h and 13:00- 16:00h.

It is time that I can use to make some drawings… Because what I am interested in at the moment are gestures, devotional and others. But the folding of hands attracts me quite…

Still setting up, it’s all taking longer… Why does that seem familiar..?
So here I am in the cathedral cafe and I am impressed that they have wireless broadband.

However I better get back to trying to finish the settingup. One of the film looping devices is faulty… Which leaves me in a bit of a lurch. But after the initial inward distress I suppose there is no use in panicking any further, that won’t fix it. All I can do is get on the phone and get the film lab through whom I got these to send another one…

Did I say these were custom made…? (And VERY expensive..)

I would like to take this opportunity to swear under my breath…Whilst looking benevolent.

————————————————————–
Hours later: I worked out that the looping device is fine. Thank heavens for that! Still working, however…

I feel amazingly priviledged to be able to just devote weeks to making work, to being given such generous access to the cathedral, to being welcomed by all kinds of individuals along the way. I feel enormously lucky.

The work itself is in progress, but I am much happier now. I put up the projector stands and projection screen stands as well as 3 of 5 projectors this evening and will need to go back in at 7am tomorrow to continue getting it all up and running…
How it could have incured somewhere in the region of £2.500 in costs, I am not totally sure. Although I paid for some labour and the cot of materials and equipment is high.. Higher than one thinks, even when working out a budget in advance..

To have the screen stands made came to almost £300 and you would fall off your chair if you saw them. They are made wonderfully well, but they are not a big presence in the space, an amateur may assume that they are worth £20… An amateur, mind you wouldn’t have a clue… The stands really are well made. But £300 is such a sum of money out of an unfunded wallet…

I am still nervous about promoting the show. I need a spokes person.. Any eloquent volunteers..? So from tomorrow you can come and view my latest nugget of achievement..

The Anglican Cathedral Liverpool opening times are:
from about 8am – 6pm daily.

The exhibition will be open from Monday 14th of May until Monday 4th of June…

So come, come, come.. And then please invite me to funded projects. Residencies, commissions, let Phaidon know that I am ready for their call….

It's been quite a week.. I tested the projectors (4 are great but one has a speeding issue.. It likes to run through the film at 100mph, which isn't quite what I had in mind..), then finally cut my film down into the 5 sections, negotiated with the man to make the projector stands for me, which I am yet due to pick up this afternoon, bought some motion sensors to wire up to my projectors, spent a fair amount of time tireing myself out with nervousness and then some real tireing manual work in the wood workshop of the cathedral…
The projectors are really very loud, I am not sure that this will be ok in the cathedral.. They will certainly draw attention to themselves..

Time passes swiftly when you have a deadline speeding towards yourself… I started at 8am this morning, on what I thought would be a job that would consume an hour or two.. I finished at 14:00h… And this was just for the projector stands.

My DIY-worker will hopefully have the screen stands ready for me by sunday when I will start putting the installation up at the Anglican Cathedral in Liverpool…

The workmen at the Cathedral workshop are great, understated, competent and helpfull.I managed to find some semi opaque white/milky sheet plastic which hopefully will work for my projection screens.. And I got it for free from one of the local print workshops. These places are always worth checking on, as they otherwise only throw the end f rolls into the weekly rubbish. Sometimes they have unusual types of paper/plastic/acitate-type stuff on rolls..

I can’t reccomend other people’s bins enough..

Now I think I am for the most part set to open on monday. there will be no private view, these make me nervous, I need time to acclimatise to my own work, especially if it is an installation which is hard to feel a bond with unless I had a little time to look at it and contemplate..

I am still waiting for film reels, without which I can’t do anything at all, hopefully they will be in my letterbox tomorrow. Yesterday I got some motion sensors which didn’t cost £70 but £5.99 each.. After being told that I would have to spend £70 I am now perplexed why mine were just a fraction of that, will they work? That will also be the first time that I do some wireing…. Perhaps this isn’t a statement I should make so public, but I am excited about trying new things. And motion sensors which will activate the projectors when audience walks by, that is new and exciting for me.

Well, now I am looking forward to see how the work in progress will work in the space.