i’m listening to this while i compose this post :
i had a day off from the dessert yesterday. gave me time to think and consider. gave me time to work on another endeavour i have at the moment… working through a store of things from my earlier life. yesterday i read a bunch of reports …
on an accompanying blog i’ve writte about my reactions to this finding.
i’m still a little un happy.
this post is of course my working stuff out and will be written and composed as it all comes out. i’m very aware that it might be a little too harsh to read and maybe should come with a “it’s ok to stop now” clause.
why am i unhappy?
it’s a feeling i’m left with after the weekend.
i’m going to try and attempt to work through this here. i don’t known why exactly but i feel i should apologise for wanting to do this.
the reports show that my school career was full of doing my best and being told it wasn’t good enough. i don’t understand why my articulacy leads others to form a view of me that when it doesn’t carry on in other apsects of what i do leads them to walk away.
the sunday activity closed with a writing of feedback. someone in the group spoke of giving me permission, as in one of their sessions they had needed to feel that someone gave them permission to do stuff.
in fact on a led walk i experienced, we were encouraed to do stuff without permissions. i wonder if this is with danger as yet unknown? i spoke generally of my snee snaw project.
i spoke to the lady who gave me permission. i’d said i didn’t need it. it did however get me to think about what i did need. i do need encouragement, i do need peer support.
where i now live i engage with various groups and people. sometimes when i’m feeling de-energised because of the work i do to process and keep up i’d really like to say “i need your help”. i sit now thinking the obvious retort to be recieved is “ask it” my perception is that i’ll not receive what i need. (maybe this is a protection strategy – and do i trust enough to ask – are the interaction environments suitable in which to ask the for help?)
can i be critical of an experience when the experience is provided to me for free?
politness suggests that i should be grateful and accepting. however this is bland and beige.
experiences of creating things for others have shown that being critical is part and parcel of anything provided to others to experience.
(i am of course verbally discussing all this stuff with my partner… prior to writing.)
intellectually one would hope that the experience is so well put together that there is no need to be critical.
all the whoops and crys of amazing suggest that there is no need to be critical. i’m not being critical for the sake of being critical … simply trying to disapate the feelings of disappointment and despair set up in the weekend.
(i have a sense of my intellectual position being out of sync with my other abilities – like i have a disability – not seen – so not widely acknowleged.)
when walking around the site and being set something to do, being told by the leader that this is a special experience and never to be repeated leaves me wanting space to get to that in my own time. if the leader tells me about the making of a sculpture, something i’ll not get to on my own, yes please. the person leading the walk later came over to talk with me, for us to be interupted by a special dietry requirement question from a member of the catering staff.
i also needed to converse with people at a deeper level, to explore philosphical questions. i did have once such conversation on saturday lunchtime.
bouncing once again off of thoughts to do about me, i sense mental health dwindling and danger signs apperaing. once again mental strength engages to stop the slip.
so where does this lead my practice …
maybe i give in and say everything i do is about my identity. sounds so boring and dull and uninspired.
what i do say is that i want people to have their own space to interpret any work for themselves.
i need help.
i need help with self esteem about why anyone should pay me for the things i make. i’m feeling very second division today.
i feel that if i really set out where i am and what i’m interested in and make stuff about that … that my isolation becomes greater because it’s off of the path of …….
while we were at the camp, on friday night … we got a lift to a nearby beach with pub. we needed to get back to the hotel. it was dark (after 10:30pm). the member of staff who had given us the lift ws panicy about us walking back. we did it and i personally really enjoyed the experience. still had trouble sleeping, the hotel had no air conditioning and the room was unbearably hot. ( for the record the walk back took 1 hour 11 minutes and 19 seconds.)
i know i have to do something different.
this is the only thing that remains constant.
in my heart i know that things i make to make me feel happy are possibly not rigourous enough for a gallery … at least those running the gallery.
i’m interested in possible futures.
i’m interested in the notion of concious evolution.
i’m interested in future as post present.
i’m interested in space for the individual.
i know with first followers my esteem will be greater. putting in effort for it not to be seen/heard/ received is debilitating.
and now i see i’m part of my own problem.
time to centre on needs, the problem will always be there.