interesting how washing up provides a period of time to reflect on what’s happening right now.
in theory i’m on an ma, i have a submission for a commission pending and a part time job application pending. daily i’m feeling very on edge. while washing up i can see why that is. of the three things i’m only actually currently in control of one. the other two are subject to others liking what i’ve written. a very scary thought for a dyslexic man.
teetering is how i feel. it could go one-way or the other. it’s unsettling for me and those around me. i know from my research of depression that it’s advisable to keep doing something. a good time to sort out my accounts and those niggly bills then.
i didn’t hear the moral maze last night so i don’t know what was said about twitter in that discussion. i see these places of one-way text creation as places to manifest thoughts into marks; to dissipate what is filling one’s mind. does it really matter if any body reads them? right now i’m a bloke on a chair, typing, no particular significance. what would be the difference if i was actually someone more well known, because of some endeavour i had made in sweden? would all of these words be pawed over and words of encouragement and support flood back to support me? we’ll only know the answer to that if i’m able to get serious commissions that give my practice some prominence.
and there lies the dilemma.
p.s. for the technical bods: i’m still getting loads of code in my posts when i copy and paste from word. i’m deleting the code that i don’t want, any code left in is for a reason, as discussed. xx
it’s been rather unusual lately.
i’ve called a time out.
reconsideration of current attitude, position and thinking is taking place.
more soon.
xx
today my blog is a place to out pour, before continuing with developing an idea for a proposal.
it’s a place for rational collaborative discussion with myself, getting the thoughts into the visual domain. and a place to throw words about for the hell of it. i’d forgotten how much of a game of words the fine art world is. heaven forbid we use straightforward english to express, ask and answer questions. leave the quirky English for livers of life 2.0. they really are in a world of their own.
phew, starting to relax now, the inner tension rescinding, my tea looks appealing and worries about the box on the trolley and the bus are liveable with.
my practice is starting to move forward again. the short film submission started to move it again, the exhibition proposal has certainly got it moving. it’s a new sensation, slightly uncomfortable, however there is a general feeling of uncomfortable ness triggered by news at the weekend. that uncomfortable ness is beginning to become invisible as i start to live with that unexpected stage 2 change.
the practice is evolving as i sketch and think and reflect on what i’ve done so far. the initial idea has rapidly developed and all the to and fro activity is settling down into a slightly more clearer picture.
perseverance is the word of the day. long term objectives are fine while the today part is happy. occasionally the unhappy day occurs, and with conversation and a hug and a lovely cup of tea happiness returns.
writing style changes and suddenly i’m readable again. oh well.
jpeg and submission.xx
i sometimes wonder if a blog is a diary. if it is, it’s a place to record inner thoughts, feelings, moods. if it is i can write about not knowing why an ex partner has requested i be told about her hospitalisation after a couple of strokes. i would also add that it came at the end of a week where i had felt distanced from the group i’m on the ma with. we’d looked at an online simulation. the academic usage is for simulating cultural heritage. the wider social/cultural usage is rather unclear and not pretty. just like my life 1.0 in derby.
i’m sitting with some really big life questions at the moment that i’m not strong enough to answer. culturally, is it ok for a man to be emotional, to be phased by things that happen to him? i have not to care about the bigger wider circle, i need to somehow decide some things. i somehow have to have some really difficult conversations, if i’m not to take the desicions on my own.
all of this while still attempting to research and move the practice forward. i do wonder if i’m just pushing too hard. at what point do i stand up and look around. i could ask that as a question however i feel there are too many flying around already.
i’ve had an invite to go to Manchester. it would appear there is a female surrealist exhibition on there. at last recognition for a group somewhat overlooked i feel.(least that’s how the video on the website left me feeling).
i’ve played with an image i’ve taken today. i’m finding colour so culturally and politically laiden with association that i question if ii can continue to make colour images. hang on though, a friend of mine has the right attitude, she simply makes images because she likes them. i start to revisit the notion of using paint to create images. i start to wonder if being in education is the right place for me to do that. especially if the course is entitled digital arts in performance. something is wrong, and i don’t know what to do to make it right.
this week within my possible futures, the car that ate bourneville was mentioned. turns out it was curated by andrew hunt, who i met at a symposium last year at which he mentioned mark mcgowan, who’ll be doing another peanut performance on 15th/16th october 2009. i emailed marc last night enquiring as to why he’d selected the music to promote peanut man returns on you tube.
i’m starting to wonder about the ma. i starting to wonder if engaging with an outside institution is such a good idea. i’m starting to wonder if was a good starting point, a place to depart from, something to get the group talking, to fire up ideas. i have a reflective blog for the ma, i feel another entry on that blog soon.
i’ve also got three other projects in the air at the moment. one i’m totally in control of(creatively), and two that are proposal and being accepted driven. i feel excited about one and potentially excited by the other, it’s a case of disseminating a feeling onto paper for a selection panel to read and get excited about.
in other news i’ve been contacted by sue about being involved in an open dialogue. i’ve not been able to get to one of these evenings before, so am very interested to see what happens there.
tea and bike ride.xx
