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Well that was an enlightening rehearsal – literally: I had discovered that the gas lighter for my piece had been used up on the gas cooker at ]Performance Space[!

I got to the space at 1:30 and had several challenges: setting up the sound, figuring out how to shift a piece of tech I had never seen before (a twin cd mixer) and cleaning the rehearsal space. In future I will set this up earlier.

I also got to play around with my projector (yay!) and dvd player – with the addition of a couple of cables my AV store suddenly became a lot more flexible. I now don’t need to use my slow laptop for playback but use a slim slick reliable piece of independent equipment (and with a remote!) instead.

We sat around this set up while we discussed the performance, how we can change it, this blog and how it helped to refine, to redefine my performance, my practice, practicalities hah!

Then we did some more drama exercises. One thing when graduating with my BA in Fine Art and going into performance is a lacking knowledge of these games. We ended up walking then running around the space counting up to twenty then falling, touching the ground with every even number: listening, co-ordination, confidence.

Once the palava of getting the audio tracks working was set, we began the performance. I had to work around a fold up chair rather than an arm chair which was a big difference. Then we figured out the next part partly before launching into it, pretending to light the tealights.

One thing I noticed is I have a very carefully planned choreography in arranging china cups into words which relate to the text. However the group dynamic invites intervention, snatching and spontanaeity which works against this black fabric rectangle. The shape of the fabric is almost too dramatic.

The only way to get around this I think is to play them off against each other. To balance gravitas with play. But it has to be right, otherwise it would be darkly comic, or fail to touch the depth of the essays. During the rehearsal we were working through the third part and I unwound the thread around the chairs of the audience, then around my leg, around my waist. The thread was also in contact with Sabina and Bree, at one point near the end we almost made a circuit. This is a point I wanted to somehow replicate.

After Sabina had to rush off to Bermondsey I was talking with Bree about the character and the performer. It seemed I had to make a choice, whether with gesture, costume or other signifier to the audience who I was. Was I me, the staged me, or the author Charles Lamb?

I think I am me. So I am reading, not re-enacting. It has struck me that there is now a clear distinction between the different texts in the work. There are four. The first, Old China is a conversation between the author Charles Lamb and his cousin, Bridget about the freedom of poverty. The rest are solitary musings on dark streets, suburbs as memories, and death. However in Old China there is a split – two voices, two personalities. I voice both. We talked about Bree or Sabina being spot lit and present but speechless during this – I take their voice. But then Lamb takes his cousin’s voice. Bridget is to us what Lamb makes of her.

During the performance I was talking to Bree and Sabina about shadowing each other and Sabina said ‘so you want us to be the same person?’. Maybe, yes. After I also talked with Bree about them both dressed as the same person. As Bridget from Old China.

So there is this dynamic forming as a subtext to the work. The mutability of identity between the performers and the voices in the text. Playfulness and solemnity. Shadows and ghosts. Leading and being led. I still feel that the performance revolves around me – more book snatching then. And I still want to try dying, metaphorically, via ‘vegetable vegetable, fruit’. Have to try that Monday then!


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It is the night before my rehearsal: Monday morning 00:10. I have sorted the PR leaflets, distributed a load via post and in person on Saturday, completed the risk assessment form. I have had so much help – I am grateful to Veronica, the events organiser of St George’s Church for helping me with the marketing side of this project.

My best news of the day is Sabina Stefanova replying to a text with ‘I am better!! :) We still on for tomoro?’. We are go.

I am going over how we will organise all the different parts to Book of Essays. Like the ball of polyester thread I am using, perhaps we will have to unravel everything to make a single line to be unwound. Certain elements stick in my head from my final rehearsal in Jan, like the moment when the room cast in darkness prevented me from reading. I want to shift my role too. I want to be part of a team, not simply a leader.

Perhaps this goes back to a time when I took part in a workshop run by a member of Forced Entertainment. We took turns in pairs to follow and to be followed. Then we could decide ourselves whether to choose and change these roles at will within a group. After the exercises, certain movements began to emerge and personalities started to present themselves. Certain tensions arose.

Maybe the way to manoeuvre beyond the role of storyteller lies in killing the storyteller.

I have ideas – the self, myself, unseeing through darkness or blindness, willing or unwilling to be led. Who is the leader leading?


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Its 11:30pm. I am writing at the end of a Friday. I have spent the day working on my PR. In this case it involved me visiting the Jobcentre to sign on because the money I allotted myself is not enough; I had assumed I would be able to hold onto a part time job while I was doing this (I feel that that maybe the case, if I had been more organised). Then returning home, eating some food and busing myself to Kingston to pick up a printer, then onward to Esher to drop some off flyers to the organiser then going home via Weybridge and falling asleep. Waking up and testing out the printer – printing off the blurb onto the leaflets. Success! I have been called lazy though. This kind of affected me – I feel I have to do more than some people who work a ‘full time job’, turn up near 10am and leave 4:30ish.

Tomorrow I have the day free – except for the morning when I have the risk assessment form for the show to complete. I cannot do it now, my word processor will not accept the format. I cannot even see it.

I haven’t heard from my friends who are helping me in a while. Not since Wednesday. It is making me nervous. It is kind of lonely too. I feel like I am responsible, and I am, but less like part of a team, just a director of a work. But I do not really have a closely knit group from University. Everyone I know is scattered. My dear friend Millie is leaving for a big trip:

https://www.facebook.com/34south61north/info

When talking about leaving part time work she exclaimed to me “I may be gone two or three years, when I get back I don’t want to work in a job like this: I’m twenty-seven now”.

My thoughts around Book of Essays:

what is the role of the self in respect to the work on which I extend mine? Where do the audience feature in this – how do we tether ourselves to this work? If the idea is the work, whatever manifests is an extension of the idea. Ideas originate in the Book. But the performance is more than the Book, it is things: thread, cups, light, speech, sound. The audience is part of this too. For the duration of the work they are part of the performance, an extension of the idea. Everything is a component, even the church interior. Just for the duration of the performance.

I think as I read Williams Carlos Williams’ Paterson:

‘Say it! No ideas but in things.’


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It is after 2am. I am staring to write again after avoiding, neglecting and panicking with all the different projects. I performed a lot over winter 2012. I did the following:

– Pulled together an hour long performance called Studio Chess, at The Other Art Fair. I remember feeling out of place among all the commerce and the east end blue denim shirt guys with RayBan glasses.

– Pulled together my harmonica piece Ebacc blues, in front of a scary camera broadcasting live – there is no experience like it. Gallery performances seem a bit of an anti-climax now.

– Took part in Q-Art Presents 4. Made some friends, had some laughs, lost my brother’s tape measure (again).

Since then I have been working on Book of Essays.

Today I woke up regretfully tired. Already anxious, I received a call from the printers about my flyer. After a fit of dozing, I got up, had bath and edited it with my towel around me. I sent it off, got changed and rang the organiser of church events to discuss rehearsing in the space.

On the 25th we will have the whole church to ourselves for the day – I can’t wait! It will be fantastic! Onto rehearsals! – my anxiety is passing to unhinged excitement!


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