Swansea Metropolitan University

Today i feel that 'everything' is resting on my shoulders…. which means that they are also eating away at my mind.

I removed all of my work from my studio space, so now it is void of art. At first the process was a way to be disobedient, to remove myself, to show that i wasn't exactly happy. By the end of it all i was left with only one or two images half-hanging onto the wall, these were potent.

Less is more?

It's time to start cutting down, taking away, removing all the excess information that is not necessary.

I am going to spend the next few days revising my art, looking at the unnecessary and removing it from my portfolio. I feel like i am controlling how people view me as an Artist. Producing and editing an identity, something i have no enjoyment in at all. Since when was the Artist a Rockstar?

On top of this my good friend "health" and "safety" and their partner "ethics" dropped by today!

The performance piece i had planned in the gallery window could potentially be 'forbidden'. Health and Safety – because of the exposure to the public during certain hours. Ethics – a girl, on a bed, in a window screams the Dutch prostitute scene (which i very much disagree with). After a chat with one of my lecturers i feel that i may have changed his position on the performance. So i haven't been officially told i can't (yet).

The strange element of this is…. that the performance is part of my EXTERNAL ELEMENT for my major practice. Which needs to be EXTERNAL (away) FROM THE UNIVERSITY. Yet they still feel they have the almighty power to control what it is i do.

I am honestly confused about how, (honestly HOW!?), this is meant to grade me as a practicing Artist.

I cannot wait for the day when i am not forcefully attached to the University, then i won't need to waste my energy constantly accepting that everything i do reflects on the universities image. Yet any other student, on any other course, can go about their life outside of the lecture theatre without worry, concern or repercussions.

I think i am less likely to have problems if i change it from a 12 hour performance to a 4 hour performance. And if i do not invite people to view the piece, and instead use it as research.

My heart is feeling so heavy.

I finally had my Big Crit on Tuesday, im glad to have done it and i am really happy about the responses i got.

Preparing for the Crit made me think about my whole time at university, and how the final exhibition needs to be me at my best, it needs to show how ive developed over my degree, and it must (MUST) show how ive pushed the ideas since my external examiner visited!

Ive been fighting it for a long time, but i guess… right now, at this exact time…. i am a video-based installation artist. Maybe not always installation, but majoritly video!

I've been so caught up in producing something thats not video-based for my final year exhibition. To prove to everyone that i dont just use video. But thats not what the degree show is about – of course i can do other things, work in other mediums – instead its about showing how my art has developed.

So, im throwing the towel in. I am exhibiting a video show reel, a video projection and a performance/video installation. Maybe. For now anyway. I don't know why im so unsure, i feel that my video sculptures are strong pieces of art. I think i am getting to a place where i am ready to keep moving forward. Whereas at the moment i feel that i need to stay in my current element pushing the edges just the tinyest bit further. If i wonder too far my body of art would seem confused and un-related, so for the sake of jumping-through-hoops i will stand by my work and put all my efforts into developing them just that smidge more.

So….

Most of my work has an element of performance in, but ive never actually performed! First time ever, i will be performing within my art – in a 12 hour long performance – overnight, in one of the local gallery windows. I am in the middle of confirming details with Elysium, and they appear positive.

I am extremely nervous about the idea, gotta try everything once though, right?

I dislike art when it becomes all about the admin.

I spent most of today waiting.

Waiting for my cast in wax to cool down and set, waiting for the new part for our air-compressor to arrive, waiting for customers in wilkinson. No, i do not have a new job, i have been fundraising for our degree show.

One of our fundraising activities is to volunteer bag-packing in some local shops, we get to talk to the people in swansea and advertise our exhibition as well as have some pennies donated to it. Surprisingly, it's not that bad. A few of the people i spoke seem honestly interested in coming along, the more the merrier!

Now ive sorted out an action plan i seem to spend most of my time waiting. Casting is such a long process, and a process you need to have skill in – otherwise you make a lot of mess (trust me). Not only is the casting a long process, but you normally need to repeat it two or three times before you get an ideal cast.

When you have no time to spare, and all you have is spare time – you get a little nervous. Here comes a roller-coaster of stress filled excitement. Which i am kinda looking forward to, as Andrew said – its a celebration! And i want to have something to celebrate!

So we had our assessment feedback, turns out that not a single person on my course is on the way for a 1:1. The course directors have decided to give a 2:1 as the highest grade, so people don't become too relaxed about the last couple of months. To be honest, the amount of stress people are under at this point in their final year is great enough – a little bit of encourage would be very well received right now!

I understand the lecturers view point, the fact that they don't want people to use this assessment to try and argue their grade higher once they graduate. However, i'm sitting here now confused as to whether all my hard work is a 1:1 pretending to be a 2:1 for now, or if it is really a 2:1. Feeling a little bit fragile now.

So after that mind boggle, i attended a talk by Brian Catling being held in the university. I had managed to gain a tutorial slot with him in the afternoon, which i become pretty excited about after his talk. He uses multiple mediums, ranging from poetry to sculpture to performance. And with the performative aspect in my video installations i was eager to talk to him about those aspects in my work.

Brian was a real encouragement (perfect timing!). He pointed out photographs of my work that caught his eye. Having someone completely external come in, open minded and fresh to your work, you get such positive and honest responses. For example he had pointed out one of my black and white photographs and said that it is worth thinking about re-printing them for my portfolio. Which is a piece of work that my lectures hadn't given much credit to previously.

I'm going in tomorrow to get my rubber moulds ready for casting, and to have a tutorial with Tim Davis – i have some new directions i am thinking about taking my work.

There's some photos of my studio space today, and a close up of the pieces that caught Brian Catlings eye.