been editting and thinking
still recovering from the flu thing, been taking it easy by sitting in front of the computer. been editting again, getting stuff near to finishing for the 6th jan.
the edit is starting to have some feel and tension about it, it's beginning to please me.
feeling tired though. looking forward to a time of year when there isn't something around the corner to be marked, assessed, fedback, discussion, reassurance, more plodding forward.
oh for a break. oh i can !
byeeeeee for now. xxxx
penultimate day before a break from christmas.
and the first day this week i've felt myself.
on monday i manged to get in for the 'this is what we require from you in january' meeting about presentation of research and work made from, from there got the submission in, i'll not say where yet as it might not get in, so place at moment is irrelevent, some may say not so. got home, started the assemblage of the final edit and by tea time was well crock.
think i had that flu thing, the noro virus or something. wiped me right out for a couple of days.
eating again now, feeling happier. feeling a bit more get up and go. feeling a little bit of 'funny how education sets up so many divides'. feeling a bit 'funny how there seems to be academic snobbery towards some areas of research and study with the field of fine art'. feeling is there anybody that is 'professional'. what is professional? i've had experience in a professional world prior to study. if that's what we should aspire to, don't bother, it was self centred and not as it might be intended. oh dear, i've digressed.
i'm helping with some photocoping this afternoon and then some editting and then a food share event at the community cohesion steering group within the community that i live. which means we meet every six weeks to discuss what we can't do.
oh, i forgot to mention. the review of beardism, included in an earlier blog entry has been published in the derby based city-zine publication. i enjoyed doing that, there's been encouraging feedback and an egging on to write something else. i'll have to think about if there's anything i can think of that might be interesting to write about.
(skips off to the library)
feeling a bit like that bloke armstrong.
today i'm preparing all the paperwork and disc for a submission tomorrow. it's exciting and rewarding to realise that it'll be a selected/not selected outcome.
i do have thoughts towards the impending assesment of work made in january. i have to be honest with myself about how that feels unnerving, coming from the second year when it seemed whatever i did it wasn't good enough or could be been better or "i got what you were attempting, i just thought you could have done it better".
the person who marked my work in the second year will not be marking it this time, their legacy is still with me. i'm digging deep to get myself centred again and enjoy the making and pulling together all the research to demonstrate that i can research and make and contribute to the aesthetic world of art.
agh, time for a lovley cup of tea. (no cakes, haven't been out to shop.)
feeling better today.
yes, today is better for me than yesterday. i know that as i have experience of yesterday. tomorrow will probably be better than today. all i can do is forecast that based on how i feel today and knowing what might happen around me tomorrow.
right now i've remembered i have washing in the washing machine i need to get out and dry.
when i began the course, the notion of research was one i was uncomfortable with. i was uncomfortable at the notion of my learning/education that is, being based on learning from the past, learning about what other peole had done before me.
what i didn't understand and still don't understand, is if there are so many people learning from the past, what others have done, how come the public sphere played out in the mass media appears to be portraying stuff and crisis, like nothing has ever happened before in the past ?
where do people that are aware and concerned go to be heard ? what happens to the people that have learnt and have concerns about where 'we' are now.
if there was something happening that potentially could affect the 'the way things run' what would be better…
a to know about it, be concerned, reassured and deal with it.
or
b to have the scenario packaged into something that looks like a security issue that comes from somewhere else, and so in dealing with it makes the dealer look better and place into the public sphere a smokescreen to give something tenable to hang onto and all of the public sphere be affected by that smoke screen. even to the point that protests against the smokescreen are within the smokescreen and thus pose no possible threat as the protest is against a construct that is not the main issue.
is education based on learning from the past valid, is there any other way of learning ?
this evening i feel down.
not because of some lack of choice of pick and mix at the refectory or even that a one to one that is quite close and might get closer.
it's nothing to do with the like desparates episode in that very refectory this afternoon.
i don't know what it is, causing a down turn.
it might be to do with the dissertation tutorial this afternoon and the marks so far and the enivitability of the end of january and my lack of angle and feeling of dwarftness ness by having to write something that clearly i'm not going to do well at as there are clearly defined conventions about academic writing that i feel i don't understand them as i've not simply been told, do this, do this and do this. gosh i'm a bad 'un. it sounds like i've not been told anything. that's not true, there's been loads told to me.
the problem is a phone call a few years before properly deciding to go and study. in it, some i had worked with and a part time lecturer said in response to something i said "you sound unteachable". it haunts me at these times of doubt.
while down, the thoughts regarding after end of degree weigh heavy. doing the study makes it hard to think of further study. that kind of answers the problem itself.
i don't like the notion of an ma being a way to meet people, as one member of staff put it recently.
with all this weight that i can't hold, i need to sit down.
i'm going to sit down with a cup of tea and a sandwich of protein based product. i hope my mood clears a bit. if it doesn't, i'll hit the alcahol reset button.
