this evening i feel down.
not because of some lack of choice of pick and mix at the refectory or even that a one to one that is quite close and might get closer.
it's nothing to do with the like desparates episode in that very refectory this afternoon.
i don't know what it is, causing a down turn.
it might be to do with the dissertation tutorial this afternoon and the marks so far and the enivitability of the end of january and my lack of angle and feeling of dwarftness ness by having to write something that clearly i'm not going to do well at as there are clearly defined conventions about academic writing that i feel i don't understand them as i've not simply been told, do this, do this and do this. gosh i'm a bad 'un. it sounds like i've not been told anything. that's not true, there's been loads told to me.
the problem is a phone call a few years before properly deciding to go and study. in it, some i had worked with and a part time lecturer said in response to something i said "you sound unteachable". it haunts me at these times of doubt.
while down, the thoughts regarding after end of degree weigh heavy. doing the study makes it hard to think of further study. that kind of answers the problem itself.
i don't like the notion of an ma being a way to meet people, as one member of staff put it recently.
with all this weight that i can't hold, i need to sit down.
i'm going to sit down with a cup of tea and a sandwich of protein based product. i hope my mood clears a bit. if it doesn't, i'll hit the alcahol reset button.
