Thinking very carefully about what to write today. Last week was a lot of reflecting, reconsidering where I am and considering where this is going.
I think it is a confidence thing. Since I began this course I have found I am conscious about my work made over the last 3 years or rather concerned with distancing myself from it, like it won’t stand up to the criticism of the MA. So being absolutely truthful here, I must of assumed that what I have done so far isn’t very good. (Ironically, there is a street in Wimbledon that I walk past on my way from the train station to the College called Goodenough Road, complete with little demon camping out on top cackling in his high pitched devilish tones….’YOU’RE NOT, YOU’RE NOT, YOUR NOT!’)
So you can see how I came to the conclusion that I have a slight confidence issue.
Anyway, the reason behind this sudden evaluation of the issue is that I had a tutorial on Thursday. It wasn’t a bad one at all, it was very helpful and enlightening but it did highlight the fact that I’ve got a little side tracked. I can see now that I have left a lot of hard work behind, maybe as I’m starting to suspect, as a bit of a safety barrier. The things that I have done before, without any feedback and guidance previously, feel a little vulnerable. I appear to have attempted to throw everything out before anyone else can. This going back to basics is not working, it is confusing me even more and taking me off the point of what my work is really about.
Luckily my tutor probed me for what I had done previously and asked to see it, then confronted me about how what was then relates to what is now and why. Oh, how the simple questions can hit you like a smack in the face. I walked away from the tutorial giddy. Why could I not see the obvious in my own work? Why do I bend to an invisible, self created, completely fictional pressure? …again that leads back to my lack of confidence issue….right I’m going to have to knock that little demon off his perch!
