working the shells

breakfast today was a bowl of oats, fruit and yoghurt and this is significant because it’s a breakfast we’ve not had for a while.  along with this was a cup of tea, conversation and me filling the gaps by looking at instagram.

i felt my mood plummet when seeing the “we’re proud to announce ” post about the travel and development bursaries.  i obviously have to check back to instagram to check just how far i’ve managed to misquote and i’ve done a fairly good job actually.

taking to my laptop i resolve to write a frank and honest blog post about my feelings about being one of the unchosen.

as the machine chimes and whirls i reflect about what i’m intending to do.

to write about my short comings but not really knowing what these are.

i get distracted by the next door neighbours, the woman’s current man choosing to park his blue car on the grass verge, it’s presence indenting itself into the grass.  ok for a one off but over time that indentation makes a lasting impression and the integrity is compromised.

i hurt today.  i hurt because i’m tired of applying and being unsuccesful and being unsure why i am unsuccessful.  i want to question what a “a light-touch approach” is.

i have to live with the fact that i’m not at the same level as other people whose skill and articulacy are able to secure them backing and opportunity.  i have to live with the unsaid because of “a light-touch approach.”

i’m angry and emotional and i want to record this because otherwise i have to internalise it and spend days trying to work through and let go the emotional knot developed all because of “a light-touch approach”

i appeal to a-n to allow me to opt out of “a light-touch approach” next time i apply for something.  next time i apply and i’m not able to meet the criteria i really want to know why it is.

i want to know because maybe just maybe then i can start to move forward and get better or simply decide i have to leave the applications alone because it’s just not worth having to go through the anger and disappointment any more.

i want to know why i’m not good enough because i can them do something about it.   yes thats blunt but “a light-touch approach” is equally so.

i watch dragons den because i like the balance of seeing an idea being presented and those receiving it voicing their reactions.    the reactions might not secure funding, however what is said give those with the ideas something to take away from the experience.

if i make future applications i would like to be able to take something away from the process.   you see it’s not just about the money, it’s about receiving interaction from those who set the agenda.

hearing what that feedback is can’t be any worse than the feeling i have today at seeing the announcement and making something up as to why my application didn’t make the grade …… simply not self devised enough.

hello .  my post tonight is one of up and down.  to begin with i can write about the opening of the ten exhibition at london road commuity hospital in derby.

ten years ago the new royal derby hospital opened and a project on site made sure that the bare walls of the public corridors were made more inviting by placing art works for patients, visitors and staff on those walls.  ten years on and air arts continue to do this and have a team working every day at the london road community hospital.

it was at london road where before christmas i helped to deliver what has become known as the mini museum project.

when we sat in january to go over the data and evaluation topics there was an unexpected invitation to be part of the ten exhibition as the air arts staff had decided to feature the mini museum project in ten.

last friday we went to the opening event so see the exhibition.  i have to say that with some pride i looked upon the photographs of the objects i had taken back in february.  it’s not very often now that i see my photographs as prints.

so after the up came the down.

another unsuccessful application.  i reflected about this while walking to collect the car after being fixed.

i might be being too hard on myself when i process these emails.  i suspect i’m not alone, well i know i’m not alone in receiving them.  the two applications were to opportunities made available by a-n.  both told me of their unprecedentedly high numbers of applications.  my irreverent self thinks at least i’m in the majority.

so after returning from the garage i filled up with comfort food, redbush tea and moto 3 from qatar.

i’m now sat in the living room, the internet router timer feverishly keeping track of the time and the puppy is asleep on the furniture.  everyone else are elsewhere.  i can admit to being in a wobble and this blurring my vision of what i make within my practice.

i agreed back in january to exhibit with friends at this years derbyshire open arts.  i’ve not done this before and between you and me i’m rather at odds what to show.  the weekend is predominately about 2d and 3d work and i’m still unsure as to wether i like to make such work.  when i put my mind to it i can actually make stuff what people like.  i need to focus and let go of caring.

this evening it all seems a little up or down –  black or white.

i smile to myself and remember of what lyes in between … that there is an in between.

i put myself out there in two applications. neither were successful.  it’s ok.

time to make a cup of tea.

i’m processing being successful again.  i must be successful at being unsuccessful as yet again i find myself being unsuccessful.

my practice doesn’t really want to cover being unsuccessful however i do seem to avail opportunities for myself to practice it.  i don;t really want to practice it as i don;t really want to get better at being unsuccessful.

part of my processing has been to eat well.  whenever i’m unsuccesful i find eating makes things better.  i’m no less unsuccessful, just less bothered by it.

it’s a while since being unsuccessful so today having a chance to be unsuccessful has made a change.

before eating, while really embracing the unsuccessfullness ness i took myself outside.  while i was there i captured a few moments of what  my unsuccessfulness ness felt like.

this morning i sit and stare through the newly created gap in the curtains.  a bus route goes past our window.   before the next bus, i study the distant tree.

my meditation is broke by curtain opening and puppy jumping onto the window sill.

during the first two months of the year i almost marked each day with a longing for sunshine.  my vitamin d levels becoming noticeably low.  each day staring out of the window at the monologue grey sky.

while i stared i forgot about the daffodils.  i did nothing and still they appeared.  their appearance exciting me at the prospect of things to come.

the puppy doesn’t notice me staring out of the window.

my view through the window makes me smile today, bright, sunny whisping clouds tickling the tops of the trees accompanied by all the best of female composers on radio 3.  a good day to be sipping tea and considering a blog post.

my week began with finishing off the re-iterteration of my practice website.  i made it live on minday and have been tweaking performance settings since then.  i think today i’m about done with the speed optimisation.

it’s something i’ve learnt about over time and i’ve seen how google especially has done a lot of work on providing analytical tools to help see where improvements can be made.

the website relaunch comes close on the heals of being featured by a-n on their instagram feed as a featured blogger.  when i was putting the week together i managed four images reasonably easily as it told a storey.  for the fifth i made an image specially for that day and i’m so pleased to see how that image has become the most liked of the week and is still receiving likes.

i’ve combined the week on instagram into a post on my site so it is with great pleasure for the first time to share both my week on instagram and my newly re-iterated website …

http://www.andrewmartynsugars.me/03/2017/featured-blogger/

with the site up and running and flying solo i can turn my attention to a new project.  well i say new … it’s one i started last year and put to one side while making things for the silk mill.  with the website complete and other projects still in the germinating stage i see the opportunity to reconnect with the idea.

its my idea of making a clock from the windows on one side of the ground floor of the silk mill museum.  for now i’ll make a maquette.

this morning in going back to the idea i have realised that i need to be more considered about the object as i’ve learnt that the window shapes are very fragile when cut.  when last working on the project i got as far as making a prototype of the idea for he construction of the clock.

as well as gazing out the window this morning listening to music i have actually been busy getting all the pieces of the project together.  looking at the above image has reminded me of the sticking point i arrived at last year. i want to embed 5 leds per window bay and how to mount them remains unsolved.

this morning has also flagged a newly unsolved problem, that of how to make the clock so i can store it safely.

another sip of tea and a quick consideration of what else i need to write down today …

i’m good.