the laptop screen sits brightly on my lap, the window providing some light from the mono grey day outside. the puppy has a been playing with a newly found improvised toy and later tomorrow the ipswich speedway team will work to find motivation to level with the sheffield side who rather annoyingly scored impressively against them last night. i say motivation because somehow those who control the sport have got it to a point where the sides viaing for relegation and promotion at the ride off against each other and if the higher placed win the teams remain where they are in the leagues.
this speedway connection has relevancy to my own storey as yesterday was cvan crit day derby and it left me with questions and motivation for the future.
i’ve been excited overnight thinking what to write about yesterday. where to begin becomes a pressure point, i look up to see the horizontal lines made by the rain add a further layer to my outside vista, i put on a depeche mode video on you tube and reach for my tea.
i nod, sip and look out of the window trusting that a way to start to unpack yesterday will appear out of the multiple firing thoughts generated by the afternoon.
firstly i need to comment about what it was like to be in conversation with hannah from the silk mill project in a public context, albeit in a small safe public context.
another moment of assessing the rain outside.
in wanting to write about speaking yesterday i wonder about how to share about the feelings connected with this aspect of my practice. i reflect that when i met with hannah earlier in the week to work out what this crit day thing might be and how would we respond to the invitation i was perfectly as ease and talking came easy and in that conversation we explored many wide ranging orbits of common interests and concerns. reflecting upon that meeting we arrived at the three questions together.
after yesterday i found myself reflecting about how has my imposter feeling become so big ?
yes that’s a big jump in the flow of this piece however that is in line with what i experienced from monday to thursday. now the importnat thing is that i recognise the positive energy in the imposter feeling and open myself to the observation that when i spoke yesterday everyone listened and there were empathetic nods and questions.
at an eco therapy course last weekend it was said that the imposter in us is part of what drives us to continually try to be better. certainly last night i found myself considering that if the imposter feeling was not with me would i be the person i currently am?
i’m reflecting this morning that the crit day wasn’t set up to head towards a certain outcome. the day was really successful in bringing together a varied group of practitioners and curators to discuss their practices and concerns. in the summing up of the afternoon peter bonnell of the host venue quad directly asked the artists present “what do you want in going forward from here ?” peter is the senior curator of quad.
it’s an unexpected question to be asked and like peter jones on dragons den when he sees an opportunity he really likes i took my time to think and wait before saying what my position was.
while i put my thoughts together i listened to the sort of answers you would expect to hear in response to that question. i considered what would be valuable to me, to help me move forward.
i proposed to peter and michael (the assistant curator) that what i wanted would be to get to know them both well enough so they trusted me to sit in their process and blog about it. i’d not met michael before and he’d asked interesting questions about the images i’d shown during our conversation.
there are many ‘things’ that i took away from yesterday. the most important being the importance for me to be around people and to have meaningful conversations. i never expected to leave yesterday being asked what would it take to start the peer to peer meetings again? i never expected to potentially have further conversations with a performance artist and a painter potentially interested in digital outcomes.
i’m up for all the conversations continuing because they will be good for me because in the moments of conversation like that my imposter rests and i get to be myself and experience the development and growth of ideas, aspirations and possible futures.
i must thank tim shore and hannah fox for their connected invitations to be part of the cvan week in derby, part of the cvan document project. the afternoon generated energy that i hope can be harnessed in some small way so i get to be part of something that continues as a result of the gathering.
for me from this point i am going to reconnect with the non linear film commission as i now have a working title and i’m looking forward to talking about that on my non linear film blog and the further development of that film.
my imposter seems to rest when i’m with people and talking about possibility and the potential of things yet to be done / made or created.
i add notes to myself :
you feel that the imposter feels realer when you are with larger groups of people. you might be simply be a little anxious at being with a larger group of people who you don’t know. you’re liked and what you do generates interest and conversations.
also remember to go back to the blog post in which you you wrote things for you to remember. have you remembered them ?
this mornings listening …. click me to goto you tube page