breakfast today was a bowl of oats, fruit and yoghurt and this is significant because it’s a breakfast we’ve not had for a while. along with this was a cup of tea, conversation and me filling the gaps by looking at instagram.
i felt my mood plummet when seeing the “we’re proud to announce ” post about the travel and development bursaries. i obviously have to check back to instagram to check just how far i’ve managed to misquote and i’ve done a fairly good job actually.
taking to my laptop i resolve to write a frank and honest blog post about my feelings about being one of the unchosen.
as the machine chimes and whirls i reflect about what i’m intending to do.
to write about my short comings but not really knowing what these are.
i get distracted by the next door neighbours, the woman’s current man choosing to park his blue car on the grass verge, it’s presence indenting itself into the grass. ok for a one off but over time that indentation makes a lasting impression and the integrity is compromised.
i hurt today. i hurt because i’m tired of applying and being unsuccesful and being unsure why i am unsuccessful. i want to question what a “a light-touch approach” is.
i have to live with the fact that i’m not at the same level as other people whose skill and articulacy are able to secure them backing and opportunity. i have to live with the unsaid because of “a light-touch approach.”
i’m angry and emotional and i want to record this because otherwise i have to internalise it and spend days trying to work through and let go the emotional knot developed all because of “a light-touch approach”
i appeal to a-n to allow me to opt out of “a light-touch approach” next time i apply for something. next time i apply and i’m not able to meet the criteria i really want to know why it is.
i want to know because maybe just maybe then i can start to move forward and get better or simply decide i have to leave the applications alone because it’s just not worth having to go through the anger and disappointment any more.
i want to know why i’m not good enough because i can them do something about it. yes thats blunt but “a light-touch approach” is equally so.
i watch dragons den because i like the balance of seeing an idea being presented and those receiving it voicing their reactions. the reactions might not secure funding, however what is said give those with the ideas something to take away from the experience.
if i make future applications i would like to be able to take something away from the process. you see it’s not just about the money, it’s about receiving interaction from those who set the agenda.
hearing what that feedback is can’t be any worse than the feeling i have today at seeing the announcement and making something up as to why my application didn’t make the grade …… simply not self devised enough.