well – my last post was a bit dramatic ! i wasn’t feeling too good. i’m recovering from a self diagnosed vitamin d deficiency and there is a possiblity of something else as yet undiagnosed.
my previous post caught the moment – a moment of knowing i need to address an imbalance of work i’m making for myself, or at least sourced from myself.
there are currently two aspects to this imbalance – i mean two trains of thought that are on going yet currently not being regularly talked about.
the being involved with something yet not regularly talking about them is a feature of two opportunities following successful interviews earlier in the year. i start to ask myself if its something i’m doing wrongly – am i simply too patient ? i do know that in these opportunity instances its a factor of those directly involved in the opportunity.
so today i reflect that balance is there – its simply how i look at it.
one of the aspects of practice i’m considering currently is do i need a mask / a persona to set up space for me ? its something i need to explore with those involved in an ongoing musical based project before expanding here more.
when i do many things for others it makes me aware of me and my needs. my needs being compromised by inherent mental patterns that are difficult to walk around.
and then there is tiredness.
this is the single most challenging factor to my thinking and being. even though i know this – when i’m in that space its still difficult to grasp that my view is warped due to the time spent working.
perspective – moment – sleep.
this post is in part trying to reassure readers of the previuos post that i was simply having a bad time – today i can see clearer what it is i need to do. i knew this last night – wanted to do stuff last night – had to admit i couldn’t and should rest – despite being keen to get things done.
i pause for a sip of tea.
despite being busy and well connected i’m feeling sad and lost – uncomfortable.
i’m aware of this and have started taking small steps in an attempt to get back to a happier place.
i write this to my future self : your feet stand upon foundations you have made – there is no need to doubt upon what you build. there is no need to doubt what it is you are building. when you wrote this – it was the beginning of where you are now – look at how far you have come. look at what you have around you. reflect and enjoy what you have done.
wrapped up against the current cold i find a warm corner to record and reflect upon what i’ve been doing lately. the young coproducers network and on going research for the skin and bone trio.
the network, funded by an artists room bursary is enabling the derby museums trust to research and develop more opportunities for young people to become involved with the museum.
working in a coproduction model allows for those taking part to explore their own needs within “how might we….?” type questions. derby museums work within a human centred design ethos.
last weekend the network had a projection mapping workshop. a member of the network is interested in how might projection mapping be seen in a gallery and had a demo version of resolme to play with. two further projection solutions were shared : cyril and freeliner.
i shared freeliner with the network and a couple of them played with it and started to understand the concept and ethos behind the project. having only recently started playing myself, i think its a testament to the usability of freeliner that i’ve been able to share how to use it in a workshop situation.
we placed some simple shapes on the wall and freelined round them, manipulated the templates and discussed what was happening. it was great to see the faces of the netwrok members light up with enthusiasm and joy at making freeline patterns and shapes.
i personally think freeliner is an impressive work by maxime damecour. its built in processing and has an array of features that makes freeliner very open to use and very much allows for delving into ones own schema type for creating and projecting patterns and shapes.
i’m at an early stage of understanding and i gel with the notion of learning through play, experimentation and practice.
this next image is the output of freeliner syphoned into isadora. its a gif (click on it to view animation in gallery mode). the gif is relevent as this weekend the network at the museum is making a gif / meme workshop. i’ve been playing with both app and browser based solutions and am loooking forward to sharing what i’ve found and being part of the group leading them through their own gif/meme creation using the galleries of the museum as inspiration.
to close i’d like to share with you my discovery of a stream from the international space station. parts of it are not live when the station is on the dark side of the earth. last night we worked out that if we could travel at the speed of the iss it would take us a tad under 2 seconds to get to derby. a bit too quick so for now the public transport options are just fine.
this blog post is brought to you by the word … unexpected.
makes a change having a word to focus on, quite the surprise.
the session i facilitated today was at pickfords house – my first time working as a facilitator there. the range of conversations was unexpected.
using natural materials the invitation was to explore the patterns of the museum and recreate them. an unexpected surprise was an appearance by the easter bunny.
in the on going research into generative visuals for the skin and bone trio i’ve begun playing with freeliner. it’s made by a multidisciplinary artist called max and he’s built it using processing. i have to say i’m seriously impressed by max’s work.
i looked back at my post of about a year ago. i remember that time and my disappointment. did i get stronger because of it ? probably – i’m still here.
i am still waiting to hear from doc fest about shimmering place. it feels different to applying for something to do something. if the non linear documentary doesn’t get selected i’ll at least be able to take off the password protection and start to share the project on line. i am competitive – so not being selected will feel like a loss and with that will come disappointment.
i take a moment to reflect back to last year. i did push myself to do things out of my comfort zone and o’ve noticed when i do this the outcomes are ok.
i do feel more confident to do this than a year ago. in taking time to check i have some grounding – i see there is grounding and upon it more work can be done.
personally i feel there is still something i need to work out or work through. my monthly outing to the mens circle meetings are yet to connect me to something so it might not be there. its like i sense something behind me and when i turn to see what it is there isn;t anything there. by staying there the sense reappears behind me and the cyclic momentum continues.
writing that i reflect that i didn’t expect to write about that when i sat down.
medical emergencies happen and remaining calm, focussed and in the moment are factors that will help the patient. at the start of day two of my first aid course we discover one of our girls is unwell and i need to stay at home to oversee her recovery.
before the course i felt there was a foreboding dark cloud over me. i wasn’t looking forward to the course i felt there would be a point when i had the big sense of relief – i pause to find an analogy – maybe like when you are told the car has got through the mot with no work required.
at lunch of the first day i had that feeling. the cloud was one connected to the cpr practice – it had been worse on my first course during my training.
for me the cpr training connected to unhappy emotional memories connected with my father. yesterday doing the cpr training i remembered those memories yet the impact was less than the time before.
the block i was feeling about the cpr practice – unaware that it was the block – has now been released and the rest of this week doesn;t now feel as dark.
my first aid ticket is still valid as i was renewing it many months before i needed to, so i’ll negotiate if i can complete this course another time or if i need to book another.
it may seem a little off subject to write about first aid training in my blog here —- the thing is though that one doesn’t really need to know a lot to be really helpful in an emergency. for example there is now a groundswell of defibrillator installations in villages, towns and cities across the country and they are easy to use. doing a first aid course is as much about building confidence as it is about what to do.
the clouds are lifting, bluesky, sunshine and lighter nights are on the way.