Simulacra And Simulations

Thankfully, I’ve started to pick myself up this week. No, I didn’t get the jobs I applied for. But they were evening jobs, so not ideal anyway with a 14 year old with various homework demands.

How has it come to the point that I’m so desperate for any paid work that I’ve begun to sacrifice the notion of that long held stalwart of single parenthood – I can’t work evenings. Or weekends.

I started to do work again. Just looking at other options, researching funding, but mainly, carrying on with the Kickstarter campaign. I don’t think it’ll be successful this time, there’s only a few days left, and its hardly gone viral, despite receiving some promising support.

So I will resubmit it next month and try again. I’m not able to get much work done for the actual graphic novel while I’m doing this, mind :-s

I started tinkering in my studio, and taking a step back to look at what might be achievable.

I came up with another possible idea following on from all of this bike riding I’ve been doing.

I want to organise a cycle art event that ties in with the Outer Trial Bank project (that I was starting to think of as a dead horse). There’s an anniversary for Revival coming up (soon) and I’ve asked if it’s possible to make use of the stolen bikes that are kept in the police station for a temporary sculpture.

I had a concept for an Apparatjik disco bike, but I’m waiting to find out if we can even use the bikes.

I felt as though I wanted to give up the Outer Trial Bank project completely. I didn’t get funding, which wasn’t going to bother me before, but then the issue with the free space came up, and trouble with son, and I felt as though everything is against me ever doing anything remotely creative. But it seems ludicrous that we do have use of that space, to not do something there in time for the Digital Arts Festival would be a no-brainer.

I had other artists send me some work for it, I had someone offering to perform, it might not be as ambitious as I first planned, but it was always meant to be experimental anyway.

I mainly feel as though I’ll get through all of this somehow. I always have before.

I really do need to be offered an income for my work now, it’s beyond ridiculous that 9 months from my initial cry for help no one seems to be capable of preventing me from falling over the edge into fiscal ruin.

An envelope with ACE logo dropped though the letterbox and sat for a couple of days unopened.

Another failed funding attempt. And apparently, Hackspace have sabotaged the free space we have use of. They put their foot in with the council, so as I’ve been planning to continue with exhibitions and events, I’ve been warned that we may have to pay to use a derelict space. If that happens, we won’t be able to use it. So let’s hope that doesn’t happen.

I spent a couple of days applying for work in the University library, but when I mention this, already there are those that are putting me down. “Loads of people apply for those kinds of jobs”. People seem determined to do nothing but bring me down. Don’t get any grand ideas, Helen, you don’t deserve to get anywhere in life.

I used to be so determined, so defiant, I would oppose all of this oppression, discrimination, and be successful, but I’m just getting nothing but negativity and bad luck at every turn.

And I’m starting to think it’s because I’m honest about being a single parent. I feel like Oliver bloody Twist. Constantly humbly asking merely to be paid, and the answer is always “No”.

I need a paid salary asap. It’d solve everything. But it doesn’t mean I’ll get what I really need.

Ahhh, such a lovely holiday I’m enjoying, if that’s what you call spending nearly a hundred quid on new school uniform, and looking wistfully at travel to Denmark, wishing I could go somewhere, even just a weekend away somewhere, but not having any money to spare.

I’ve been taking time out to take part in social bike rides, which I hope might develop into art-related bike rides when I can think clearly again from Sept onwards.

I also received feedback for my recent unsuccessful job application, I probably need more qualifications, and I’m still gutted that I’m considered successful as an artist, even though I genuinely don’t think that not earning a regular income from this work is in any way successful. I know there are many blogs that say otherwise, but I decided to do this as my livelihood, and until I’m earning a living wage from it, I consider it a failure.

Meanwhile, I have spent a couple of weeks creating a Kickstarter pitch for my graphic novel. It has been live for a few days, and has already received 3 backers – illustration works for me somehow…

http://www.kickstarter.com/projects/297268149/clou…

I went to Nottingham over a week ago to speak to someone from the Arts Council about making a grant application for my current project, The Outer Trial Bank. Rather ironic that the discussion of how the arts council need to ensure that any money invested offers good value, when The Outer Trial Bank itself was a government funded experiment in water resources that cost £3million, and is now a nesting site for sea birds. An expensive nest!

I was mainly wished luck with the application. It’s like playing the lottery, and I’m not a fan of the lottery.

I went to Page45 to pick up a graphic novel that provided research for my current work. I’ve been much happier working on that, because I know it’ll be successful commercially.

I had hope to have an ACE grant application finished and submitted by the end of June. But this meeting was later than expected, but I have now completed it and submitted it. I can now look forward to 6 weeks of “shirking”, which is what the government refer to waiting for the outcome of ACE funding whilst having 2 teenagers off school.