I feel like a bit of a con-artist at the moment. I’m presenting the world with a convincing impression of an artist, when in reality I haven’t really engaged with my practice for weeks. I feel really disengaged from it in fact. I am busy from dawn til dusk, (and often for an additional hour from 3am – 4am thinking, planning organising).
I don’t play chess, but my life feels the way that chess looks to an ignorant bystander. Lots of different elements shifting up down and across according to their own rules, with no clear route through to success, but compelled to play out their drama.
All the usual stuff going on – home, kids, money, agent work for Creative Partnerships, thinking about my art and suspecting it’s mostly rubbish. I feel uniquely persecuted in my struggle against the chaos of home life, even though I know it’s far from unique. You know the story and I don’t want to talk about it any more, I’m boring myself.
Two lines of thought today.
1. I am very grateful for all the mothering I receive from my own mum and my mum-in law. They don’t bat an eyelid, just keep offering their support in the best way they can.
2. I tried to do too many things at once and cocked something up today and I feel really really crap about it.
I feel like I’m getting nearer to where I want to be in terms of art career development, but further from being the artist I want to be. Things are happening, people are interested in my work, and thats very very good. Yet I am so busy doing all the things that support this progress, that I’ve lost any strong sense (or experience) of my practice. I feel a bit exposed as a result.
Always organising, no open imaginative space. I have to remind myself that this is a phase it will change. Once upon a time I only needed to apply mind over matter mantras due to a bad hangover comedown – ‘this will not last for ever, it’s just the drugs, this will not last for ever its just the…’ Back in the good old days! Now the odd hangover is quite a pleasurable release from thinking and working!
I can’t believe that back in the summer I was looking forward to lots of studio time once my kids went back to school! I should know by now, September means tons of Creative Agent work, tons of childrens activities for my kids, tons of catching up with book-keeping, applying for things in an attempt to combat imminent poverty after a long summer and general stressiness. To top it all my washer broke. I’m trying to think of that as a release from washing duties.
I just hope things move on soon! I’m taking part in a critical discussion ‘Stock Exchange’ in November and feel I would dry up if I had to do that now.
I’m tired in that deep rooted feel poorly kind of way. I should feel chilled and relaxed after Light Night but I’m haunted by all the stuff I didn’t do while I was doing Light Night. Also really hectic doing Creative Agent stuff.
‘Inside Out’ for Light Night was OK – visitor numbers were a bit slow, but it was a wet night, ACE Clothing is a bit off the beaten track and there were over 100 events on, so can’t complain really. Everyone that came liked it. I felt stressed all night though – we had problems with the projector and I wasn’t 100% happy with a couple of the installations in the changing cubicles. They were OK, but not my favourite work. The window projections were good. I think I got the balance of content and mass appeal right for this sort of ‘festival’ type of event and the windows gave passersby an ‘instant hit’ without demanding too much effort (mental or physical).
Other good news – my work’s been chosen for a book about artist mothers ‘The M Word’.
Also i’ve had a great conversation with Kat Griefen, Director of AIR Gallery in Brooklyn, NY,and I’m going to run a discussion event for artist parents.
Finally I had a really positive and interesting meeting with Julia Keenan at ACE recently about APT = Artists Parents Talking – I’ve got a much better idea about how to strategically position the network, particularly in terms of fundraising.
Just need more energy to keep all the balls in the air…
All stations go. Projectors are in transit, more diffusion filter being delivered to studio, just received my acrylic print from Photobox, and I’m packing boxes of stuff to take to Leeds tomorrow.
‘Inside Out’ for Leeds Light Night, at Ace Clothing, 9 Duncan Street, Leeds LS1 6DQ. 01132 454 555. 5pm – 10pm on Friday 9th October (tomorrow!)
I’m experiencing the usual stage fright, and trying to rationalise it so that it doesn’t disable me too much. I try to think of it as an interesting sensation, rather than as nausea, headache and jangly shakiness. I have a strong desire to paint watercolour seascapes from now on, but partner helpfully pointed out that it won’t work because I’m crap at painting.
Partner also dared to suggest that I’ve only got myself to blame, no-one is making me do it. Then he went off to work on an overnighter. He’s probably best out of it. Still – he’ll come up trumps tomorrow when I don’t know what lead to attach to what kit, and get all flappy.
Fingers crossed.
