‘Joy undivided’
December 4th
Portsmouth – london – Portsmouth
(Portsmouth December 20th)
Woken by dread again at 4 am – starting to slip again without the benefit of nails – I will not let this happen
not my choice
not my choice
not my choice
The cat sits
on my back
in solidarity
later after more dreams on the darkside
I am up
rules of the day
Smile normally
dont let anyone inside
dont let it show at any cost
find out something amazing
Bath
Shave
get ready
Sit at the table and test the new synthesizer that arrived last week – haven’t had space in my head to switch it on – some sockets stiff but after a wire up she sings – repeatedly LFO like.
joy undivided
Dress
head for station with a packet of best behaviour in my torn pocket
the train is a chore
we pass through the dead zone
through a firefly sky arriving late
run boy run to the tube – its hatefully full – I have to collect the painting on show at Guys Hospital – reunited with her – done and out – run back to the Southbank as I can’t face the train
again
Its my actor time now – informing – spilling the beans – I have to get in the right headspace – alien intervention needed – best behaviour but need to tell the truth – its hard as me – its hard not me – devil in the detail
run
Walking in the dark
with headphones
street lamp company
my shadow
escaping in front of me
only half the time
I am glimpsed
as a man of plastic
run
run
I am just late and look around but I have arrived before him – such luck – so wait
wait a matter of minutes and he is here – I have looked forward to this – yes a friend in a sea of strangers
We meet
we greet
we leave
for a quieter venue – maybe in the National Theatre
yes
we find a chair in the corner – I rest her down as he gets the drinks – mine – a coffee with frothy top – I waste time with photographing this captivated by the patterns formed reminiscent of fossil leafs from deep within a coal mine – imaginate
we start to talk
fill in gaps
head bursting with pain
but I came
childhood
tastes
colour
times
aspergers
synaesthesia
chat makes me feel
feel again the past
with fingers
that feel its
Time to go
short but revealingly sweet
we part till 2014 when the work starts
The train return
is pain
home
drink
bed
sleep
please
