Konfirmation systemizing: Revaluing Autistic Thinking – Autism Research Centre residency

Stray envy and Tantalus pencils

Portsmouth 13th May

Wake early thanks to the cat with strange dreams holding fast but have the joyful pleasure of discovered ‘layouts of performance’ in my mind alongside ideas for new images…..

Clearing everything for the next 2 weeks so I can record the second half of the sound work to match the video shot in Cambridge

ana lo gue

seq uen ced

ser iali sed

it was the Last day of PTSD treatment today – seems I have come through but not unscathed – concentration being the loser – work from home morning – writing with OH who is ‘resting’ from work – or rather between ‘engagements’ – then leave for the session

on the way I pavement spot for patterns as always – nearly late but stop after seeing something that inspires micro poem – tweet

Stranded
Pink
On
Grey
Half
Consumed
Sushi
Lays
Feasted
Upon
By
Former
Soldiers
Intent
On
Returning
Full
As
Ant
Fish
Saviours
Homeward
Bound

Pleased at USA RT’s

I’m home later than expected – artists admin rather than ‘creating’ for the rest of the afternoon

I type

envious of the pencil

spotted

hiding on the floor under the table

its black and yellow outline

a ‘tantalus’

seemingly to draw further

back into the shadow

as I

mentally

repeatedly

pick it up

and roll its potential

between my fingers

The Perfect Cloud

Portsmouth 13th May

32 days to go

a short poem twittered today about granular synthesis

I
Take
Moments
Of
You
Splitting
Sonic
Grains
Of
Ecstasy
Layered
Within
My
Perfect
Cloud
For
Micro
Movement
Return
Notated
Bliss

Recent soundwork made with this ‘perfect cloud’

https://soundcloud.com/fieldoffragments/an-ecstati…

‘A bridge to far’

Portsmouth May 13th

Been a week since I last posted

Been a difficult week since I last posted

Sometimes interactions can be so tiring that they can affect you perceptions of the world around you. Yes am an artist 24/7 all be it an imperfect one but more than this I am an imperfect person too. This week has been testy – many social interactions resulting in ‘close meltdowns’ and hardly any recovery space which has been hard on that personal level and creative too – we all fight things in our past (or future) but although the PTSD is receding its left ADHD in its wake – Concentration is now a conscious thought rather than a natural impulse – tired I guess. The main thing is keeping going and as I now have a countdown till the performance on the 14th I cant afford to become tired or stop.

List of this last week

Monday: Morning manned our BigLocal stall at church fete – toll paid rest of day for the noise and throng by hiding at home patting out the flames – I pushed myself ‘a bridge to far’

Tuesday: Preparing to remake Uni space in morning – Biglocal meeting at lunchtime – AA2A skype directors meeting late afternoon – prepare for tomorrow

Wednesday: Project meeting about NESTA application – preparatory phone call about public realm work ready to chair a panel debate – Setting up and taking down mini neurological art show at University event in Portsmouth Guildhall – then…..Moving all my stuff (lots being sound artist too) into a usable space – finished late after some ‘near misses’ regarding my interacting aspergers

Thursday: 5 hours of sonic ‘making’ with another artist for his GFTA project – we perform late June as part of Portsmouth Festivities – Sound sculpting can be hypnotic – more tiding and systemising Uni space – Home – Tea with Dad before taking him to opening of ‘Storm Thorgersons’ exhibition at Portsmouth Guildhall – dropping surprise of Julian Lloyd Webber concert afterwards by giving him the tickets to ‘look after’ nonchalantly – new to be Looking after him as he needed wheelchair to get around for the first time after a fall – hard personal feelings about this – quite a trauma in its own way – home late.

Friday: Start with ‘ASC’ – ‘Aspie Staring Competition project planning meeting – Line manager meeting to discus assessments – Emails with OH – meeting with students who will be part of ASC – great response – meeting with documentary maker for SK project and handed over 15GB of video files to be woven into the visuals for the second sound work for the 14th – more systemising of space – home late

Saturday: take the toll of this weeks over working with sociability on my shoulders – one small external incident and I self combusted – rest of day in self-recovery not coping wishing isolation

Sunday: all day in self-recovery

lesson learning

exhaustion seems to be the price paid for over-interactionas a person with aspergers – after a twitter conversation this seems common

remedy: next 2 weeks cleared the decks to record the second piece for The Arts Catalyst performance on the 14th – and some experimentation.

plus

post each day of the countdown

I am moving so slowly yet no one notices

Portsmouth May 5th

Woken at 6:47 am by children nextdoor

Today is

supposed to be

A

Rest day

A

non-thousand

thought day

draw no conclusion

find no pattern

write about

nothing

instead

A

rare day

A

mass moment of neural changes

memory

out of place

lost within

a

recurrent

dreams

where my

words whisper in the darkness

alone

faint

as my lips mouth

silently

forming

mother

i miss

you

as the flowers

a gently placed

upon

cold stones

in

apology

for

never

being able

to say goodbye

‘Committing the rites of access’

Portsmouth – Brighton – Portsmouth 2nd May

Not officially a project day

May Second List.

1. Wake at 3:45 in punishment for sociability

2. Snooze with Radio after cat bites me – we both are Innocent

3. Leave for train – forget trolley hidden behind picture – break ‘soundmaker’ as it slips from grasp – return to house and miss train by 1 minute.

4. Over arching feeling of wrongness envelopes me as I now have to break my rules and change trains un-alarmingly with a cup of tea

5. Enduring fresh sprouting rape fields (yellow brings synaesthesic fears and revulsion’s) intrusions with eyes closed I tweet

Avert
My
Eyes
Don’t
Return
Their
Gaze
As
Some
Pass
Near
Some
Far
I will
Slip
Passed
Unnoticed
By
Shine
Grown
Yellow
Awakened
By
New
Sun

RTs follow

6. Note in mapping book that I have Spotted train spotters at Hove just before we arrive at Brighton

7. Arrive – walk to meeting – cold Sun shines but take the direct path

8. Settle into the meeting which whilst revealing secrets not to be told adds rules to my part of the forthcoming symposium

9. Tea at lunchtime with ACE friends knowing there may not be another visit – talk about KS and June 14th

10. Loose people temporarily – scattered – but fine – feeling of loss starts to dissipates

11. More planning suggestion and observations – all unlimited in honesty and outlook – aspergers plain talking

12.Shopping for KS in the ‘toy field of joy’ with research observation – gathering snippits for later hibernations

13. Walk to the uncaught train

14. Imposed crowded conversation by supersocks and friends – their unpleasant joking for all to be overheard.

15. Break journey – arrive at Pallant House Gallery to collect work – conversations

16. Home to unfortunate words made before bathing – found to become insoluable with testing

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