something that is regularly discussed in our house is gender – the language of it and the pronouns of it. until yesterday it had happened around me and i’d been taking part in the discussion yet not fully engaged with the implications, meaning and practicalities.
for the first time within an online meeting context i’ve been invited to display my name along with my preferred pronouns. being invited set me thinking. at first not too seriously and this got me into trouble at home. so i dived feet first into the consideration of my own gender by stating my preferred pronouns as they / them.
the meeting was an online crit and in line with other groups where vulnerabilities are discussed have chosen to reflect upon the meeting from a personal experiential point of view.
the largest question i took away from the session for myself was wether the term multidisciplinary was the most accurate of all the disciplinary options available. i think it is.
i experienced how i was one of the only participants who didn’t refer to a book in some way. i do read despite my disability. it was an eye opener about the importance of reading.
i also experienced how there was a gentle migration through curiosity to time based media and an interesting discussion around that.
and the big one. imposter syndrome. i sit with this too because of the lineage of my practice – i’m practicing in a way now with much more connection to intention and expression than i did before my degree. before my degree i might have been an artist but never felt like one. i’m pleased to say now that as my confidence and belief in myself grows i’m becoming more and more at ease of saying the word artist and applying it to myself.
connected to the belief in my artist practice i’m starting to listen to myself about development steps that need to be taken. my development is slow because i generate a lot of noise for myself to consider – the curiosity in things leading me to connected yet not obviously to investigations. i’ve recently missed a deadline for a submission to something that actually had really lit me up.
note to self – be kind to yourself.
my experience of being part of the session has been a positive one. it’s confirmed for me that i can do this, be this, be successful – at a time of life that society would have had me traditionally being written off and sidelined. oh look i’m starting to open up about my elephant in the room, highlighted by the fact that i’ve a history of digging up and reforming my practice foundations over the years. i connect with how i limit myself through my thinking – perceptions playing too large a part in influencing the way i think and allow myself to be. this train of thought takes me way back to a young age where my developing brain was influenced in a manner that continues to limit me now. through being kind to myself and creating space to try, then maybe i can reprogram that deep routed routine.
if i can’t reprogram – it’ll then be about working with it and accepting it.
i add reprogram to variables – from a recent set of thoughts.
i sense if i can hold everything in one place at one time and make sense of it – my true practice potential will emerge. i have got something to say. i do have the ability to say it.