the current lockdown is giving me a lot of time to live in my head.
a statement now difficult to follow up, i ponder for a moment… the lockdown is giving me more time to be on my own than this time would have given me. after yesterday’s dark place i’m happy to report that today i am feeling more optimistic and positive.
a lot of my thinking is connected to trying to understand more. both my own self and the situation we find ourselves in at home, nationally and globally.
the national situation is via the mainstream media and social media channels. i have to admit i feel disappointed that i live at a time when for all our evolution and technological developments as a country we appear to be doing so poorly. the current rhetoric from the press seems to centre on the slowness of the progression of the situation we are all in. the smallest thing being expanded and drawn out. if i decide to not read or not listen, will the press still make stories ?
the lockdown is giving me time to research and understand more the conditions of my dyslexia. it’s so much more subtle than i believed the condition to be as a child – when i didn’t appreciate that i am. i still try to understand it.
i feel better than i did yesterday.
i woken this morning to the realisation that i’m in the depressed portion of the grief curve – set up by the loss as a result of the response to fighting covid-19.
all i could do at the time was to acknowledge and be in the moment of that feeling.
i get the need to carry on. i get that projects that span the pandemic still need to be worked on.
going to keep this short – trying to blog about the situation is adding to it – too soon to be reflective.
sitting with many feelings set up by the current covid-19 lockdown. one of them to do with the non linear project, one of them about what my need are as 2020 progresses and how might the confinement and isolation residency blog advance today.
my needs for 2020 are around reducing the feeling of intellectual isolation – a need to connect with a community that nurtures me and provides an environment for me to grow further. in my thinking i currently project this out to others to do for me. i admit to myself this isn’t going to work and actually all that happens is i get angrier and unhappier as what i need isn’t being provided by others for me. i could ask – but the communities i’m part of aren’t set up to help me, in fact they are communities that look to help others.
isolation is something i’ve felt for a while so going into lockdown didn’t seem that different at first. i was of course helping and supporting those at home as there were some really big things that took place for them. as this week has go on i’ve felt the effects of the lockdown and an emotional level connected with the feeling of grief over what’s gone away from my life.
i’m waiting now for news of possible lockdown extension – this will help me to relax.
the other news i’m waiting to hear is the if any possible delay to the opening of the museum of making. i have an on going project connected to this site that currently i am still working on on the basis of the timeline remaining unchanged. i hope to hear something in the next few weeks.
i find myself asking those big questions of myself and my practice
- what am i making
- why am i making it
- what happens to it
- who is it for
- what does it do
- does it need to do anything
- why do i feel it necessary to making something that has varying states
- am i expressing anything
- what am i expressing
- where do i fit within the wider community of artists
- do i feel like an artist
- what does an artist feel like
- why do i want to express something anyway
- am i simply doing something to keep my mind active
- what are my needs anyway
- how do all these questions feed into bolstering my confidence
- do i move to support so to avoid making my own decisions and work
- do i care too much about what the outcome will be like and how it might be judged and seen to fit
- am i confident in my own intellectual ability
- what mediums do i want to use
- what is my relationship to the natural world and how might it be represented in my practice output
- where do communities feature in my work – talking to people is something my dsylexia makes me good at.
- am i looking for something in my practice that is rooted in the past and needs to be cleared to free up myself
- how might my dyslexia feed into what i do and influence my confidence
- what other considerations might there be in terms of how my confidence is wobbled
- am i emotionally led rather than intellectually driven
- can an art practice be maintained via emotional drivers alone
- do i feel better for writing all these out
and what of my needs…
to be in a community that gives me a sense of being held. when i add something into the conversation it’s meant with open ness that encourages me to explore it further and see actually is it something i want to investigate to take further? i need somewhere in my life i feel like i can learn again to take risks, to explore why i don’t what to do things – to challenge my own self.
i have work to do.