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I don’t understand what’s happening to my mind. I hate facebook but am lately drawn to it…to almost anything online which just might shed light on what’s going on??? Facebook and Twitter are upsetting me with the vast amount of negativity, bleating, misinformation. So much is fake news, I’m sure, and the egotistical opinions of so many, are making me angry!! In the face of this absolutely unprecedented situation it would be a miracle if the responses of governments, leaders, countries got it right. But I’m sure they are all doing their best. It’s a logistical nightmare!!! So just everyone SHUT UP and let them get on with it please!!!

Just one fb post did give me hope and a rudder to cling on to. It was about the Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs. A pyramid diagram depicting human needs in 4 layers. I came across this at college years ago and had forgotten about it. But it’s quite comforting. The writer who sited this on fb explained that we are now on the bottom rung of the pyramid – basic needs of food and shelter. So it’s pointless to berate yourself about not reaching the top layer of Self-actualization; self-fulfilment.

In this current climate our minds just won’t stretch to those giddy heights and we should stop beating ourselves up for not achieving all those things we promised we’d do if we only had the time. We have all the time we need now but simply surviving Stay Home *Protect the NHS * Save Lives  is enough.

So I’m trying now, to stop worrying, stop planning, stop striving to make a valid, grown up thoughtful artistic response and just keep doing random acts of art and kindness. So what if it’s jumbled and full of a retreat into my comfort zone rather than forging forward artistically. I’m making art and that’s as much as I can manage until this awful Biblical Plague ??? passes over…..see below.

A jumble of gut reactions which generally distract me from spiralling down into fear and depression. I’ve been there once before and I don’t want, must not, go there again.

 


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Undiluted time in which to pursue painting.

No constraints such as having to go to work, look after children or even aged parents.Very few demands or obligations in my life to which I have to respond.

In former times I bemoaned the burden of these ties which I felt prevented me from my desire and vocation to create;  follow my dreams of being ‘an artist’.

We humans are subject to such contrary, conflicting emotions.

Endless time paralyses, inhibits, restrains me from beginning.

How  to express this trauma?

Life transformed into a terrifying crisis; time stretching endlessly.

A  downward spiral of silence; of empty streets; of empty skies; of empty supermarket shelves; of sleepless nights; of nightmarish dreams coloured by  anxiety….images of the endless repetitive TV news

‘STAY HOME – PROTECT THE NHS – SAVE LIVES’.

Blue-gowned, masked nurses;

rows of coffins.

Then the relief of wonderful heart-stopping images of small acts of generosity, kindness, heroism. The brief balm of clapping in the streets,  surrounded by friends and strangers united in thanks and pride in those who are working to keep humanity going.

My artistic response should be deeper; more meaningful, but instead all I can achieve is a retreat into my comfort zone of looking at, then painting  the sheer beauty  of  flowers .

I feel trapped, confined within the four boundaries of my garden. We are having to totally self-isolate. It feels so inadequate. Surely there is something more I could do. If only I was below that ominous number 70 I could volunteer for something.

I lurch between concentration and total absorption of this enjoyable activity and sudden overwhelming despair at thoughts of the future and even of the present.

One day it will become the past.

Until then all we can do is hold on and hope  and perhaps find better ways to express in paint this momentous period of time.


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