letter to rob 2.3.19


dear rob


i’ve thought of you this evening after watching a couple of programmes about electronic music being made through the 1970s and 80’s.


now i’m sitting writing to you i’m not too sure what to say. earlier while thinking about what i’d watched my mind wandered back to a time when i rode a motorcycle and we were at college together. the particular memory being the summer we worked together and after an evening’s work you invited me back to your parents house. it was the first time i’d been with an adult who painted.


writing that now i feel incredibly naïve.


the other college memory that is really strong is the thing we did to you can’t hurry love. i remember we edited it because it was felt to be too long for the thing we were planning to do. little did we take into consideration the nerves and alcohol slowing us down. i can’t remember how many of there were of us taking part – only one of us managing to complete what we said we’d all do. we did take part though.


in thinking about writing to you i did wonder if this might get sent to you or maybe i’d right it in a very generic manner and post it onto a blog.


my naivety feels quite strong when i consider where i am and the last i heard of you – you now work at the very college we were at together.


being honest with you i’m still working through accepting how my teenage years were.


before college i had a part time job in a petrol station. one of the guys who worked there went to camden to see a band called caberet voltaire. they featured in the second documentary tonight.


when i consider my teenage years i reflect that … i pause. i think i know what to write next but it’s very of now.


i think where i’m going with this is that there is something of now that i feel is … i was going to say missing  – that might now be the right word.


its like i’m missing an influence – something that connects everything and really lights me up. the scary thing is i might need to find that for myself.   calls into question my ability and confidence.


i pause again.


i’ve enjoyed my evening and i’ve enjoyed reminiscing about our times together. i think this evening its actually more about feeling the lack of opportunities to tell stories about past times – realise i can’t remember everything – to hear other’s tales of things i was involved with.


after that i’m left with the present and my working through stuff left over and stuff of now.


i maybe need more stuff of now that excites me and leads me to believing and knowing i am part of something.


i think i crave peer praise.


i have many feelings about what i do.


look at me – i haven’t written in years and i’m being all palms up and open with you instead of small talk about the weather and how are the family now?


i miss not having something i never had.


please write back – i know i’ve gone off into the deep end, did i always do this ?


best regards




aka cecil xx