in this post i aim to reflect as well as off load. i need to off load the feelings generated while working within a project. the details of this project are irrelevent as it’s not about the project – it’s me and my wanting to be happy during a wet and blustery sunday afternoon.
in reflecting upon my week and now my weekend i know i need to do something to make me feel better about myself. needing ot be honest with myself about what i might do i have some lunch in mind followed by spring cleaning one of the rooms.
i dial in an old familiar you tube video to help me attain a happy place in my mind.
time passes and lunch is eaten.
tea is made and placed on the side to cool.
reflections made as to wether i am as unhapppy as i think i am or if this is a construct based upon physiological states and needing food.
what i do know to be the case is the constant running of scripts in my mind that i have absolutely no influence over as they are in the recent past and they did happen as a linear event and i did react at the time and the net result is a feeling of a position the event left me in.
need for super dooper emotional intelligence to let it all go.
my hope here is that by commiting to writing this i feel less burdoned by the thoughts i drag around with me.
why do i drag them around ?
they are dragged around because i am incensed by some the manner in which a meeting to resolve something has set up more things to resolve – more questions – more frustrations.
i pause to look out the window. the dog beat me to it so the view of teh scurrying clouds is marginally obscured. i try to find the metaphor in this image to help me understand what i feel i’m in right now.
what am i in right now ? i feel angry. i feel more angry now than at the time. i’m sorry if i’m talking in riddles – it’s necessary because i can;t actually just come out and say what the thing is. the organisation has done well as setting this up as the norm. hearing what it is – isn’t something that is encouraged.
i have not felt listened to this week.
putting on a continuous brave face is tiring – especially when i need to do this at home.
i have to sit for a moment and listen to what carl cox is playing – reach for my tea – check out my relationship with the window.