Konfirmation systemizing: Revaluing Autistic Thinking – Autism Research Centre residency

‘Day Fourteen’

Portsmouth – London – Portsmouth

23rd August 2013

Awake early before alarm

Sort OH tea and calmness

Washing preparing thinking

remember shoe laces

OH says casual

Out

bath

Drying

Ready

for Unexpected

Conversations

I Stand-up

To Face

the day

daunting

but in

a good way

Head to the railway station – its strange the familiar seems a few degrees unfamiliar – American dresses full of boats – I am moving as others would comment – as if in a dream – often they are realistically held through the day as objects come to life about me

I sit in not in usual seat on the train but the one I normally return in – reverse journey – why not – feels OK – emplaced an hour before the one I really need to get to be on time – on time? time surrounds me

I feel the embrace of her cloak as she thins towards the weekend

words come behind NC headphone defenses – think clearly – just be natural – that’s what they want to see – not a social mask held in your pocket

I don’t buy tea – unusual

The chair flows back repeatedly – it must be important – I will remember it – I have to say it – always important so I test and tweet

‘The chair often seems more alive than the person seated on it’

I write more

Strange day

Strange tides

Concealing

what’s been

Left at my feet

By moving

waters

Unthinkable

Treasures

Lifted to my sun

With both hands

So we are here most familiar station – last off train

I loiter in the bookshops near the station but then compelled to go an be early – maybe I can feel its a safe space given some open time.

I walk to the Young Vic – something Mum always chatted about here – i wish i could tell her as I walk with her over complex patterned pavement

admission: I am afraid – well more uncontained than scared – daunted maybe – they want to speak to me?

be casual – No social mask other than greetings and politeness – remember the Eye contact – safe – its what they want to see

1 pm – I enter – I catch her eye – no time to settle – hello’s and handshake – safe conversation – she was early – we wait for Peter over tales of school and colour – Mother is still behind me looking

then

he’s here

Peter Brook

before

I can breath

we leave

road crossing

we sit

we talk

I place my notebook to one side – it seems rude and unnessesary

questions

Astonishments

answers

revelations of self

Mum smiles in the shadows at talk of ‘Worths’ a Paris commonality – she stitched the Queen mothers dresses i say

then confessions about ‘Theatre’

naturalized ‘Memory palaces’ appearing

then suddenly ‘the chair’ – told where others are sensed as neutral despite who may have sat in them – naturally without prompt – i told you it was important – i knew touched before

can I help – yes

can I travel – yes

I recognize myself on slim occassions – pale green

am I me?

whilst he passes incogneto

as I talk – to busy to eat

coffee guilt

we leave

shake hands

I snatch a pavement photograph as I wonder did that happen? and head to the station passing the Old Vic

————- hiatus —————–

On the train home I touch the day – hands explore the nook and cranny or a new surface

I write while hurriedly watching the films laid out before me

Everything about me is pale

All Fallen into shadow

Remaining hidden

Terrible to touch in my minds eye

should I choose to do so

Calling through faint muslin

Astounding stories

No Wait

I will touch time for comfort

Wrap my cloak around her

surface crusted

with minute moments

Reading her beauty with

tactile words

Through worn

Familiar finger tips

As the feelings swell

Awaiting capture and release

• 
• 
• 

So who will tell the chairs?

‘Day thirteen’

Portsmouth 22nd August

I Lay in bed after OH leaves for work as:

Gang of giant seagulls

Running rampant races

Thru the bins in the street

Calling for more to come

To their second-hand party

Up I check into the bathroom and while waiting for a ‘certain level’ to be achieved I open my emails by hand

Notice Simon as header – we have been chatting about Autistic arts last day or so – and open first over and above social notifications

An introduction

A recommendation

I am Astonished at the feelings that follow as the words flow from the page and tick tick tick open with unfelt surfaces that morph my day

—- m e t a m o r p h i k —–

I

read

request again

am I free to go to London ASAP

—- m e t a m o r p h i k —–

yes I am

spoken out loud

as all sense

changes about me

—- m e t a m o r p h i k —–

so I reply and almost immediately a lifetime later exchange details of where and when the next day

so now Day 14 although it will feel smaller and less significant than 13 – the largest day is important

—- m e t a m o r p h i k —–

I research

I need to see a bigger picture

A new connection – a new experience leading from another new experience comes into view leading in correlated colour from Konfirm unfinished

I can close my fingers about its possibility tightly

—- m e t a m o r p h i k —–

they wish to talk to me?

—- m e t a m o r p h i k —–

to me

—- m e t a m o r p h i k —–

who me?

so

who

will first

tell the chair

i’m seated in

the news of

permissions

to rejoice

—- m e t a m o r p h i k —–

Carpet captures me from the wrong angle

Day 11

Portsmouth – Cambridge – Portsmouth

20th August 2013

So this is it?

last trip from this current round of funding but ‘not never’ again thinking strengthens me – I can taste it happening – hold it between my fingers – i know its not an ‘ending’ as such but the start of something further

there are other aspects of learning, showing and documenting that will carry on – booked in already – I will jot think its finalized – that would hurt – esp as i’m ‘bellow par’ at the moment

think

think

think hard

put it in place

in the bigger

picture

I know that now – it will continue – this cheers me out of my stark landscapes mindset I am caught in – besides Tuesday is widening I can touch it – not the largest day of the week but on its way – cycles of felt time important – grounding me

Lucky I don’t need to leave first thing – head at 8 am for train hoping for my usual seat – please my usual seat – yes safe

Eye Blink

Faster as

Sun

Flickers

Everclean

we pass

Thru Forrest

Floored

With

Escaped

Bamboo

Evergreen

As

Wicked

Thoughts

Circle too be

Neverseen

again

Arrive, last off train and descend into the depths after contracting a ham and cheese sandwich for the next train

London underground is not good – just after rush hour but still full of passengers with bags – most not used to underground etiquette – I am pressed pushed then horror of horrors breath in others loud full perfume – sensory overloads and taste flash across my minds eye – not even NC headphones can save me

then suddenly off this train with relief

change trains to KingsX without problem – I quite like Warren Street

up in air – indicator board sends me to a new platform – unusual

New train – seated just – full – hot – noisy as the landscape flashes past fast non stop trip – then without blinking I’m here in hot Cambridge

choice bus or taxi – the meetings are at a new place – always a daunting experience for an aspie.

Bus pillar to post – tesco stop nearest followed journey on IOS

Walk winding fences grey soils arrivals

Seen am early still in travelling teeshirt – introduced by Simon – request toilet – changed new person with sociability injection

Tour of new space – chat – konfirm – look about – stones – cut flints in soil obvious – carpet tales and questions – and uneaten foods – a pear – i choose a ‘safe’ pear – surely untouched by crustaceans

then the meeting i have come for – arrivals – Guests from the Royal College of Art, Cambridge and Paintings in Hospitals.

Debate – ‘What art do Autistics like’

enjoy – listen – learn – add – their tour afterwards as we still debate

Then realize the carpet is wrong from this angle

suddenly

some realize

they need to go – train timed close – rather than bus I take the opportunity of a lift from Simon to the station – good call – others rush leaving us to freely chat only to be cruelly curtained by a bus where we stop imperfectly – thankyous and goodbye before it registers on me

sit with platform wonders

train – see – write – change – underground hell again but was primed this time – shell – train – gaze – re-dream – home ?

Crows dance And mime

Grey soil songs

Their grown Staves

flecked with flint

from seas shallow

Still warm to my touch

After 70 million years

Lost lake dreams

Hand dug flint chalk

Yew

conker

Stone

path angle

Green wall vision

Tourmaline carpets

now Seeing autism serene

‘Not sure anymore’

Day 9 Portsmouth

18th August 2013

I am slipping again after the weekend which was very dark – very dark – after day followed dreams and nightmares with same but real horror – I lay awake again most of the night on my own – but then again today I made some images from my pattern finding in at Mozilla – was a relief

but then I am really looking forward to Tuesday – Up to Cambridge – my last official visit before main project end date 30 August – asked out of the blue after last visit.

Unfortunately

I had to turn down some research as test subject

was asked but regretfully I declined this time as physically couldn’t do it

just

exhausted still

a stressed artist 247

Not sure

I want

To close

My eyes

As

that’s

When

My

Fearful

Imagination

Becomes

My reality

For a few Years

till I wake

Tomorrow Morning

‘Day six’

15th August 2013

I took yesterday ‘off’ from my holiday to visit Mozilla in London for a second time – continuation from the 7th looking at the hidden for a presentation at Brighton Digital Festival. Made very welcome and discovered

discovery – all to be revealed http://shortcircuit.org.uk/

but then

today

DLA

appeal writing

evidences countering fabrication

desperation at social aspiration

you so called artist 247

sometimes you feel the lowest of the low

im not sure that isolation

and

rest will do you good

you need to make

Somewhere

I sold

My ability

To see

Through people

For

30 pieces

of silent silver

That burn

Burn a whole

Theme

In my pocket

I can

never mend