twelve in twenty

within the covid-19 pandemic we’ve experienced another horrendous loss of life in america, i refer to the death of geogre floyd.

i was really embarrassed on tuesday because i didn’t see the black out tuesday thing till quite late – trying to put an application together i hadn’t been on social media platforms.

this morning i feel uncomfortable and i think it’s because of white privilege.  i am white therefore i am part of this.

i’m not sure what to do to resolve my feeling of unease at being white.

when i facilitate i welecome everyone to the session the same.  i sometimes don’t fully understand cultural references.

at home this week there has been a lot of discussion about white privilege – it’s left me feeling i need to apologise for being white and priveledged.  i need to apologise otherwise it’s the elephant in the room.

in researching the death of geogre floyd i learnt that the current american adminstration reversed the decision of the previous administration to “handcuff” the police – the words of the president of the police uniton at a rally in minneapolis last year.

the now chief of police in minneapolis, an african american man, was part of a group who brought cvil action against the police department after their experiences during their training.

of the officer who did the kneeling,  in his other job as a door bouncer he was described as “unhinged.”  is there systemic racism and bad practice within the public office of the current american administration ?  the evidence points to a strong potential answer.

i feel powerless in the face of the emerging fascism in america.

i feel so helpless and useless.

today i’m beginning the documentation for the arts council covid-19 emergency fund supported project walking through the pandemic.

in getting to this point i’ve tied myself into some huge knots through over thinking it a bit.

it’s ok though as it’s all part of the process.

with the blog set up and the getting started post written i can now progress the dialogues with the communities.  it might be that only one community picks it up and runs with it – and this is ok.

i’m so excited by it all !

my old gran had many amazing sayings and i found her words of some comfort at the beginning of the period we’ve got to know as lock down.  her advice of doing a little and often was how i got myself through the first throws of lockdown while processing just what was happening for me.

when i realised that i would actually have to look for financial support due to promises of payments being revised,  i drew upon my experiences in the first couple of weeks to help me plan for the future.

i’ve been supported by the arts council covid-19 emergency fund and in return i am going to research two projects – after all when a dsylexic person is locked down at home doing a little an often on multiple ideas is a means to remain sane.

earlier this week i got a little scared by it all.  some better nights sleep and a good morning today has set me up for the journey about to take place.

in consideration of the future dissemination of the two projects i am going to keep separate blogs on the respective ideas.  within each blog i’ll share the origins of the idea and all the subsequent happenings and progress.

one of the ideas is directly related to the pandemic and i see how i need to move quickly on this to roll the idea out and invite members of the communities i’m part of to contribute.  it is this project that shall push me the hardest,  it starts next week.

today i’ve begun the other…

over the course of my blogging here on the a-n platform i’ve recorded, reflected and reviewed about many topics, feelings and works.

today i’m blogging from our family home, the washing machine revving up into a spin, woman’s hour is just audible about this and a cardboard box affords shade for my screen.  today i feel so excited while at the same time having a feeling like no other i’ve ever had.

… i sit and listen to the washing machine while i wait to find the words.

in simple terms – because of the financial losses incurred as a result of the covid-19 pandemic in the uk, i am about to start research funded by the arts council covid-19 emergency fund and am so excited about this at a time when i’m still hearing of friends in other industries having work cancelled.

in beginning the project i’m going through an acknowledgement of other’s situations.  in part what is fuelling this is a the seeing of a tweet in the days before i learnt of the offer from the arts council.  another artist had tweeted about his offer and there were so many replies in response – not all were complimentary.   i’m mentally preparing myself for difficult conversations that might happen in the future.

so as i roll into the beginning phase of the project i’m already processing some aspects of my practice i’ve not been able to prepare for – so am working through them in real time.

keeping a separate blog for the project is something i plan to do – it’ll be part of the documenting of the process.

there are two threads of research:  how might i work with another community ?  what can i do to re-ground myself ?

i see the words on the page and i feel less scared.

this is an interesting development for me.  was the feeling of awkwardness wrapped around the real thing of just being a little scared.  oh to be able to pluck out of the ether the quote or video clip about being scared and harnessing that energy for good.  ( looks to google…)

ok so i’ve randomly searched you tube and found three clips and  i’ve placed them together – after your tube led me from the being scared to hearing reeve talk about his wheel chair.

there’s a feeling of responsibility to create optimism through my research.  in the coming days, weeks, months ( to be honest i don’t know how long the research period will be ) the optimism in the two questions is something i’m interested in finding.

i review the word responsibility above.  this might place too much pressure upon myself.  the research requires me to be happy and having fun with what i’m doing – so i can share that energy through the work.

today i’ve begun to talk about the project beyond my family home and in so doing – the scared feeling – and those associated feelings i spoke of earlier are starting to wain.

for balance i’ve added in this interview from 2019.  beth pascal is a doctor based in derbyshire and runs ultra-marathons.  through one of my work networks last year i met someone who took part in the utmb festival.

beginning this project i begin to further negotiate what it is to work (at home) at this time, to keep mind, body and soul together.  to find new balances, new moments and new experiences.

my practice is about to develop further.  thank you for the opportunity.

the current lockdown is giving me a lot of time to live in my head.

a statement now difficult to follow up, i ponder for a moment… the lockdown is giving me more time to be on my own than this time would have given me.  after yesterday’s dark place i’m happy to report that today i am feeling more optimistic and positive.

a lot of my thinking is connected to trying to understand more.  both my own self and the situation we find ourselves in at home, nationally and globally.

the national situation is via the mainstream media and social media channels.  i have to admit i feel disappointed that i live at a time when for all our evolution and technological developments as a country we appear to be doing so poorly.  the current rhetoric from the press seems to centre on the slowness of the progression of the situation we are all in.  the smallest thing being expanded and drawn out.  if i decide to not read or not listen, will the press still make stories ?

the lockdown is giving me time to research and understand more the conditions of my dyslexia.  it’s so much more subtle than i believed the condition to be as a child – when i didn’t appreciate that i am.   i still try to understand it.

i feel better than i did yesterday.