over the course of my a-n blogging residency – (playing with words here) i’ve repeatedly returned to the internal notion i struggle to shake off = that i’m a fake artist.
it’s not now this clear cut, i do have more of an understanding of what this internal monologue is about.
partly a way of covering that the intentions of my practice are dilute and connected to this – that my practice connects with a very niche audience.
maybe as the creator of jonathan pie describes pie as – i’m that type of person that at whatever point they are, they are unhappy because there’s always the next level that they would prefer to be at.
in recent weeks i’ve started to research filming with a dslr and associated gimbal, in an attempt to better understand the technique of filming with a go pro camera and gimbal.
in a mental step back i get a sense of how chaotic my world is – internally anyway. there’s always an excuse.
the silk mill non linear commission is about half way through it’s duration. having been onsite in the preceding months i’ve recently been facing up to the question of what is your intention with all of this ? as a public art project i’m finding there are countless more people involved with the work than just me. we’re all redefining the boundaries of the project as we negotiate our way to the fully resolved work.
watching the coverage of the turner prize announcement gave inspiration of a working title for the non linear work. i suspect it will evolve. for now its helping to bound my thinking and intentions.
thinking – something i’m doing too much of ? i am spending a lot of time in my head, so its interesting that the peer to peer meetings we’ve run in the past have resurfaced as an interest for people. might i offer to facilitate them ? if i do can i too get the peer support i need ?
do my blog posts up to now become those moments of airing what is on my mind ? rather than the on going reflection of what i’ve been doing.
as the end of the year approaches i can reflect that the title of this blog hasn’t been particularly inspiring for me. when i chose the name i was in a place of knowing the non linear commission was coming but with no certainty when. it took 3 more months before i knew.
back in the present i’m given a coffee and take a moment to recall a recent conversation. i’m left with a feeling of wanting a guiding hand to help me find a meaningful path through my chaotic inner self.
cahoatic self ? i take a moment.
when considering a task and its fulfilment, there’s a thing i do that makes its completion problematic. i become distracted and set up other mental scenarios that draw and question the initial task to a place that then makes it compromised. is this normal ?