Despite being on holiday I find myself needing to come to this place and reflect upon my attempts to play this week.  We’re in northumberland staying in a remote location where the wifi is intermittent.  I’ve brought the 360 camera to play with and research what it’s like to use and create with it.

I’ve woken up this morning and it feels like my research has rather crashed and burned.

Why do I feel like this ?

I feel like this because seeing how to progress from the playing for the sake of it to something with meaning is not with me right now.  Because I don’t see it – I’ve walked myself into a dark place with the silk mill commission.  These two things are totally different and the only thing that connects them is my practice.

I take a moment to step back, look out the window and watch the owner’s dog Timmy sitting in the sun.  He quickly gets up and leaves me looking at a bright April morning,

The weather earlier this week has been quite grey.

I look out the window again.  Why am I inside trying to work out my I feel unhappy when there is a beautiful day waiting to be explored?  Our remote location might be a little too remote.  We’ve all learnt something this week.

In writing this I’m connecting with a tiredness.  We walked a long way yesterday and had wine last night.  I generally have this back of hand to forehead “I can’t do this” or “this is all crap” when I’m tired.  note to self – make the image for future quick recognition of the situation.

I sip some tea and sit for a moment.

The feeling of wanting to do something and being frustrated that I fall short is a reasonable description of the manner in which the dyslexia affects me.  I often contemplate making work to help others understand this – it as yet is slow to be made.

Along with the dyslexia I think this morning I’ve described how my mental health can be compromised.  It’s low level compromise and will pass.

Something else this week I’ve been reflecting about is level playing fields – for want of a better phrase.  When I come to a holiday cottage  it’s a chance to have a week of level ness.  With he owners living on site and going about their thing, I’ve come across at least one situation where the level ness was stacked in their favour – use of an outdoor space that in fairness we did get to experience after a short while.

I sip more tea.

I often have to accept that the effort I would want to put into making something I actually need to put into making myself feel ok.  What I might have done today is needing to be put off until tomorrow.  I was often teased about being slow while at secondary school.

i often feel alone.

 


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end of march, i’ve eaten and it’s still light, time to write a post i thought as i walked into the kitchen with my dinner plate.

with the lighter nights comes a happier andrew.  for the rememberable past i have struggled through january to march with increasingly deepening moods  –  it feels like seasonal adjustment disorder and each year at about this time as i feel i’m starting to come out of it i tell myself i really should get help with it.

this circular action needs to alter next year.

 

 

somewhere in the world there is a bluesky and today it was near me.

april tomorrow and with the new month comes an energy to do somethings differently within a couple of projects i’m currently involved with.  no need to go into details here, suffice to say it’s been emotional and at times has felt personal.  i see and am aware of this now so can reflect and move on with renewed good intention and drive to do well.

 

 

today as seen the first grass cut of the year.  i enjoyed making the image of my work.

i take a moment to consider what else i’d like to record at this time.

this afternoon i got stuck a little in obsessing about the detail.  this is good in some situations but when its within a conscious train of thought this obsessiveness leads to unhappiness.

i pause again to listen to some
Paul Kalkbrenner – LIVE
there are aspects of myself i don’t fully understand and at times am slow to cope with.

what i do know is the slowness is a part of my dsylexia- its to do with processing.  when i work in situations where spoken word is the main activity i am working so hard to stay with what is happening that by the end of it i am very tired.  i dare not to let this show as i want to keep working.  sometimes though it does show.  i do think of myself as disabled but work hard at not letting this get in my way.  it does feel at . times thought hat this is inherent as my confidence is so flimsy in some situations.

i pause again, edit the title of this post.

 

 

there are times when i bottle up everything because it feels like the situation doesn’t allow for self expression.  the perennial debate is connected with just how much inner personal stuff does one reveal in a blog.

this particular is for a broad non project specific audience so i feel fully at home discussing the broad topic of life’s rich tapestry.

where there is a specific project focus with a target audience, the personal needs to be kept well away.  how has this become the rule ?  is it a rule ?

it’s about the story.  in specific project settings the story is the thing.

i see how in this blog the story is about me.  so it’s ok to tell you the things on my mind, the things i struggle with and the things i love.

i pause again.

 

the original title for this post was something that included the word review.   i mention this right at the end as i’ve remembered in recent times i’ve been open and confident to start to ask for help.  this is something i am not very good at because over the years when i have asked for help some of the time it’s been met with a negative response – this leaving me feeling vulnerable and resolving not to do this again.

in the ever increasing men mental health debate there is pressure for men to speak more.  i put it out there that when someone asks for help, in whatever situation, the stock answer might be … what can i do ?

 

i pause again.

 

what can i do – doesn’t need to be about the action it might infer – its about the conversation and letting the asker feel they are heard – being listened to.


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there’s a lovely feeling about getting to the point on a friday afternoon when i realise i have the head space and photos to put together a post about my week.

after the weekend of discomfort – my week has been ok.

 

 

i’ve learnt about p.u.w.e.r.   this is the provision and use of equipment – it seems to be a little known thing.  with my on going involvement with derby museums mobile museum of making #themakory the knowledge of puwer and equipment is an essential part of that involvement.  amongst other things i can now safely change the blade on a narrow bandsaw.

i found the training really interesting and very tiring.  i kept myself going this week until about 2pm today, at which point i let the tiredness wash over me and i sat happy in the knowledge that there was nothing more to do today.

 

 

today has been important.

today i’ve been to the silk mill site office and started dialogues with the project and site managers of the construction project.

reflecting about the meeting i can see how i was a little daunted about it – the whole nature of negotiating with construction professionals to access a live building site.  the puwer training had made me aware of new aspects of health and safety – being at the silk mill site office today has taken this to a whole new level.

 

 

thinking about it – all of us in the office were in the same boat in terms of being at the beginning of discovering what the work looks like.   i see my role in this early stage to build trust and relationship while getting familiar with the construction site and the plans for the building.

i’m keeping a separate blog about the non linear project here.

 

 

in  picking up the non linear project and reconnecting to all that goes with it.  now in the third tranche(t3) when considering the first two – i’ve covered so much professional ground.

in t3 i want to have more voices.  this is going to be a challenge and i’m up for it.

t3 also has a coproduction aspect.  under the guidance of sue ball and museum staff we’re working with volunteers to co produce the arts and heritage programme.  my project will directly benefit from human centred design processes helping to answer tricky questions about the installed work.  if i step back and look at the whole thing – i’m slightly daunted again.

 

 

other more familiar aspects of this week have been the making of paper roses and watching a 6 man rapper team in a derby pub.

 

 

 

golly – its been a busy week !

 

if you’ve not experienced a rapper team –  heres  a taster.

 

have a great weekend.  xx

 

 


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in my inexperience with social media i’ve arrived at an etiquette stanch to do with following up posts in which i have expressed something in such a way that might make the reader uncomfortable.  i think i’m talking about restoring balance – recentring.

to make this possible the writer –  me – needs to get up from the cite of the offloading and go do something more interesting instead.

this afternoon i fell into clearing the blocked drains of both the shower and the sink in our bathroom.  i say bathroom – we’ve actually not had a bath there for nearly 4 years.

 

 

it wasn’t a pleasent thing to do – but i let go of the imposed mental hold and got on with the task at hand.

the shower was way easier to complete than the sink.

with the sink i took the u-bend apart and worked at releasing the matted hair from within.

it smelt unpleasant.

this helped to balance the  state of mind i’d gone into the afternoon with.

 

 

as i cleaned i considered making what has become this post.

i recalled a memory from watching big brother when still on channel 4 – before i was an undergraduate.

this particular memory was about the inclusion of a psychologist in a series.  there was a whole programme each week where said person talked us through what they thought was going of for the contestants.

a very specific memory was to do with cleaning.  the action of cleaning being of great psychological benefit to those taking part. – complete with footage from the house of things being cleaned.

 

 

i had an underlying my world is s**t thing going on –  i’m managing this better now.

in a personal transgressive manoeuvre i try to let go of the anticipation of judgment coming my way for writing publicly about my torment.

i’m starting to want the sunnier weather to arrive and to do this soon.

 

something else i thought a lot about this afternoon was the notion of being listened to.   i thought long and hard about it and now i’m a little perplexed to know where to start to unpack my thoughts.

part of my knot today was connected with a feeling of not being listened to.

in thinking that – i started to ask the non present people in the room how they knew they were actively listening,  as active listening is actually a thing.

if don’t currently actively listen, keep an eye out for a course – it’s well worth the time learning about it and subsequently practicing it.  you might well be able to help someone unpack and clear their torment that troubles them.

 


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in this post i aim to reflect as well as off load.  i need to off load the feelings generated while working within a project.  the details of this project are irrelevent as it’s not about the project – it’s me and my wanting to be happy during a wet and blustery sunday afternoon.

in reflecting upon my week and now my weekend i know i need to do something to make me feel better about myself.  needing ot be honest with myself about what i might do i have some lunch in mind followed by spring cleaning one of the rooms.

i dial in an old familiar you tube video to help me attain a happy place in my mind.

time passes and lunch is eaten.

tea is made and placed on the side to cool.

reflections made as to wether i am as unhapppy as i think i am or if this is a construct based upon physiological states and needing food.

what i do know to be the case is the constant running of scripts in my mind that i have absolutely no influence over as they are in the recent past and they did happen as a linear event and i did react at the time and the net result is a feeling of a position the event left me in.

need for super dooper emotional intelligence to let it all go.

 

 

my hope here is that by commiting to writing this i feel less burdoned by the thoughts i drag around with me.

why do i drag them around ?

they are dragged around because i am incensed by some the manner in which a meeting to resolve something has set up more things to resolve – more questions – more frustrations.

i pause to look out the window.  the dog beat me to it so the view of teh scurrying clouds is marginally obscured.  i try to find the metaphor in this image to help me understand what i feel i’m in right now.

what am i in right now ? i feel angry.  i feel more angry now than at the time.  i’m sorry if i’m talking in riddles – it’s necessary because i can;t actually just come out and say what the thing is.   the organisation has done well as setting this up as the norm.  hearing what it is –  isn’t something that is encouraged.

i have not felt listened to this week.

putting on a continuous brave face is tiring – especially when i need to do this at home.

 

i have to sit for a moment and listen to what carl cox is playing – reach for my tea – check out my relationship with the window.

 

[time passes]

 

[time passes]

 

[time passes]

 

 

 

 


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