when i began this blog i spoke of two applications. i’ve made the first and i decided last week that i will not do the second. seeing what i did for the first told me that the second was nowhere as near worked on and thought through, hence very little real chance of being successful, unless i took a punt on an application, and frankly i was so tired from the gfa that i could barely do the mundance things like talk, walk and eat.

there’s some sort of phrase like not seeing the rabbits for the trees. i think sometimes i don’t realise i’m even in a wood.

today i woke feeling over whelmed, daunted by a daunting thing and rather feeble to do anything. once i had eated and attempted to talk about the daunting thing i realised the daunting thing was not something that needed to be got around. if i’m being very critical, i would say the daunting thing is myself.

interllectually i know that each day the sun rises, millions of people, including myself do things they’ve not done before. my problem is that emotionally i have memory of past days, that interfere with my intellectual karm of the day.

i know that the world in which i live is laiden with potential, tradition is only tradition because it was what we did yesterday, and sum would argue that tradition has to have had a lot longer being forgotten before it can be remembered.

in my practice i am going against the traditional subconscious placed within me by an upbringing of some years ago. it is not my intention to go against anything, far from it in fact. emotionally, as i push my practice into new professional days, months and years, i am going to have countless battles with myself as i strive to make new works, new interactions, boldly going into a new world that we all go into together.

it took me years to know that talking about one’s inner self is a way to make one’s inner self whole and at one.

traditionally we use words to communicate, to generate rhetoric and supposition, where there isn’t anything meaningful to catch up on.

i’m working on the research for my audio kinetic artwork. it troubles me about the content of the work, that i don’t know what it is. thing is this is the same for all of us. there will always be things we don’t know about, and making a beginning and keeping an eye on where we get to, helps to reassure the descisions we make.

i see the process i’m currently engaged in akin to a painter. i’m recording sounds. how does that be like a painter ? yesterday i set up things to record, i recorded, played, murmoured and got the recordings to a position where i could do no more that day. today, i went back to the recordings, worked on one in particular and worked on the detail, then stood back and listened to the overall work.

tomorrow…well, i haven’t planed that yet. i can do that over preparing tea, the washing up, after a shower.

if part of being a professional artist is about being transparent, i’m prepared for that. if what i am transparent about is not to the liking of the listener, i can not take responsibility for that. i would ask the listener to be bold and communicate back about not liking, for then both parties can be at balance.