feeling isolated

it’s something that has been with me for some time. i’ve not really understood it though.

i can connect to one source of isolation. not knowing what i do relative to talking about it with those who talk about such things in their working lives.

i’ve physically altered where i work and what i do but i still haven’t fully adopted the language. this might be due to a liberalness i have in my thinking. i don’t see myself as very political but if i had to place myself anywhere that is my starting place.

deciding to go to a portfolio workshop without a portfolio was a big step for me. i think i was relaxed enough to accept that i went there under prepared and got the shock to kick start a response.

seeing a very attractive opportunity yesterday gives me hope and faith in the future, i just don’t know what might happen.

am i preparing myself for that?

am i dreaming?

am i visioning?

am i looking at an expansive horizon ?


the opportunity paradox.

yesterday was my birthday. during the morning i discovered an opportunity. it’s within an area that i’m interested in, deadline next Friday.

through the day the opportunity played on my mind, to the point of affecting my mood and mental well being. why?

i’m able to think faster and more eloquently can i can speak or write. massive swathes of dialogue are gone through and i decide i need to write it all down.

i sit and all is quiet.

the opportunity sets out what it’s looking for. on my first reading i’m put off by all of it. my gut feeling tells me that this is working to a level that i’ve not been at. i would like to think that i’m there, however when it comes to it getting from where i am to where the opportunity will take me is going to take a lot of effort.

so why am i not working to this level highlighted in the opportunity? well it might be because i’ve drifted into being isolated from those who would be interested in me talking about working at this level. it might be because for two years i’ve struggled to work work through a senario imposed on me that was both unsettling and unpleasant. it might be that i’ve simply not allowed myself the space to play and make and go “look at this.” i don’t understand and to some respects don’t need to as it’s now about what am i going to do?

my gut feeling is that the work that i make has to make up for all the short falls (in ability to write and intellectual dexterity).

my gut feeling is that i need to use the opportunity to write up what i do and so i can understand it as someone meeting me for the first time can.

it’s time to embrace a serious young intensity with the older physical self of journeyed experience.

one moment of aside….

if you went for an opportunity that had an equal opportunities form that for the application was optional and was not editable online with no paper applications accepted. would you apply?

so this morning as i sat with my bowl of fruity fibre i decided to write up, well attempt to write up my experiences of the last day. the process being a catharsis and a working out for myself.

within this last week i’ve seen that i am not preparing to talk to people about what i do and there’s a saying about failing to prepare…. and i should know it as i worked in the environment where it’s used most often.

and there’s the thing. am i yet at one with my career history and how it feeds into my present expressive self?

and there’s something else i’m gut wrenchingly aware of. my intellectual rigour is compromised by my disability and i am in a dilemma about what strategy to adopt. the paradox being that what ever i adopt there will be something i could have done differently to match an opportunity even though at a gut feeling level i wouldn’t have been doing it long enough to really make the grade.

there is an emphasis on time having done. why is that? i find myself falling into it too when talking to people. whatever happened to being able to try something? agh but there’s the rub. if public money is involved only those who demonstrate long term commitment to something will be granted that money over someone wanting to try it and progress with it.

hang on….. – hands placed in a ‘t’- time out.

this is my own frustration. this is my own manifestation

of problem,

of rejection

of feeling isolated.


Sunday moring porridge and extras from last nights dvd. tea and the dog the looking wo full to get on the sofa.

this morning is after the day before. Leicester coffee and portfolio revue relative to resident opportunities, at least that’s my interpretation of what the day was.

this morning i find myself googling artist approach. something i have and something i do yet i’m not aware enough to present it to a selection panel in terms of securing an opportunity.

it’s ok though.

yesterday i came to be one at peace with not having a portfolio and in the peaceful ness of that saw the need to have portfolio in order to go for opportunities.

there are masses of opportunities… i’ve just not been looking and just not been prepared enough to look.

so what’s my plan?

drink tea and catch up with the rugby. in other words nothing … right now.

to keep my practice sustainable i’ll feed into what i am currently doing what i next need to do. avoid creating a crisis.

i glance through http://backstretchstudio.com/page/458/my-approach-…

how does an approach differ from a statement ?

for me the notion of having an approach is more open , more approachable than a statement.


of course the question remains.. publish one’s approach or not?


know thy approach and



watch doctor who