begun in 2011 this blog is a repository of my efforts and endeavours through my search for my concerns and realisations of them.


i love this time of year.

i love the feeling of the societal gas pedal being rested and the forward momentum being of pure origin.

i love the feeling of space.

i love being able to hear nothing.

i love the clear head for thought.

i love the optimistic feeling that all this produces.

i love remembering a new years eve a while ago and sneezing. i love the memory of the person at the table telling me how someone had counted their sneezes for a year. they had got to 70.

i love the memory of knowing that a year later i knew how many sneezes i had made. on reflection i had only counted for 11 months as in the final month i was so ill with cold that i stopped counting.

i love the feeling of having another year long challenge …

how far can i get with it ?

i have it in my own control …

i wrote these words 3 days ago. i’d been thinking about something i can set myself to attempt to achieve in 2014.

it’ll not be the only thing i set myself.

i’m going to attempt to make 12 applications to opportunities in 2014. having made so few in 2013 this attempt is somewhat of an undertaking.

the idea arose when i realised that i already have 3 opportunities that i’ve considered applying for. with that momentum going into the new year it seemed rude not to keep it going.

i’ve been thinking of starting a new blog too. i see how going stale can really pull oneself down.

today i’ve created myself an evernote account. it’s a private account in which i can collect memories/thoughts/aspirations. as with all the dynamic applications it’s really rather dull at the beginning as there’s nothing added.

the evernote account is in response to a thread on facebook about placing memories on a piece of paper and placing them in a jar. starting on new years day and reviewing it on the next new years eve. evernore note being a digital hub equivelent.

for some time now i’ve been battling crippling inner monologues, for the coming year i am going to overcome these by stepping outside of my safe self and exploring what becomes of it.

optimism is free after all.


i like infographics! this startling revelation came to me on the Facebook channel.

there i was … sipping tea thinking about research made yesterday when low and behold … infront of me was a post by susan about the infographic about the findings of the paying artists survey.

i got right into the discussion. susan posted emily’s map from the arty party bash and … well i was in an ecomonist’s Christmas come early dream senario . numbers to look at and compare.

i do have to say at this point that seeing all the info in those graphical terms makes it oh so much easier to digest. i enjoyed playing with the figures and sharing that play on Facebook.

i sometimes wonder if having a chat on Facebook is real. this is of course a generational thing as i’ve grown up with knowing very few channels of communication. there’s something about the Facebook channel that is less intellectually rigourous which in turn makes it easier to join in, says the dsylexic person of course.

and from recent research into i discovered that one can link directly to a Facebook thread :

depending on privacy and friendship settings this may or may not be visible to you.

it’s not often that i get to chat with influencial people, so i have enjoyed this opportunity that the Facebook channel has made possible.


feeling isolated

it’s something that has been with me for some time. i’ve not really understood it though.

i can connect to one source of isolation. not knowing what i do relative to talking about it with those who talk about such things in their working lives.

i’ve physically altered where i work and what i do but i still haven’t fully adopted the language. this might be due to a liberalness i have in my thinking. i don’t see myself as very political but if i had to place myself anywhere that is my starting place.

deciding to go to a portfolio workshop without a portfolio was a big step for me. i think i was relaxed enough to accept that i went there under prepared and got the shock to kick start a response.

seeing a very attractive opportunity yesterday gives me hope and faith in the future, i just don’t know what might happen.

am i preparing myself for that?

am i dreaming?

am i visioning?

am i looking at an expansive horizon ?


the opportunity paradox.

yesterday was my birthday. during the morning i discovered an opportunity. it’s within an area that i’m interested in, deadline next Friday.

through the day the opportunity played on my mind, to the point of affecting my mood and mental well being. why?

i’m able to think faster and more eloquently can i can speak or write. massive swathes of dialogue are gone through and i decide i need to write it all down.

i sit and all is quiet.

the opportunity sets out what it’s looking for. on my first reading i’m put off by all of it. my gut feeling tells me that this is working to a level that i’ve not been at. i would like to think that i’m there, however when it comes to it getting from where i am to where the opportunity will take me is going to take a lot of effort.

so why am i not working to this level highlighted in the opportunity? well it might be because i’ve drifted into being isolated from those who would be interested in me talking about working at this level. it might be because for two years i’ve struggled to work work through a senario imposed on me that was both unsettling and unpleasant. it might be that i’ve simply not allowed myself the space to play and make and go “look at this.” i don’t understand and to some respects don’t need to as it’s now about what am i going to do?

my gut feeling is that the work that i make has to make up for all the short falls (in ability to write and intellectual dexterity).

my gut feeling is that i need to use the opportunity to write up what i do and so i can understand it as someone meeting me for the first time can.

it’s time to embrace a serious young intensity with the older physical self of journeyed experience.

one moment of aside….

if you went for an opportunity that had an equal opportunities form that for the application was optional and was not editable online with no paper applications accepted. would you apply?

so this morning as i sat with my bowl of fruity fibre i decided to write up, well attempt to write up my experiences of the last day. the process being a catharsis and a working out for myself.

within this last week i’ve seen that i am not preparing to talk to people about what i do and there’s a saying about failing to prepare…. and i should know it as i worked in the environment where it’s used most often.

and there’s the thing. am i yet at one with my career history and how it feeds into my present expressive self?

and there’s something else i’m gut wrenchingly aware of. my intellectual rigour is compromised by my disability and i am in a dilemma about what strategy to adopt. the paradox being that what ever i adopt there will be something i could have done differently to match an opportunity even though at a gut feeling level i wouldn’t have been doing it long enough to really make the grade.

there is an emphasis on time having done. why is that? i find myself falling into it too when talking to people. whatever happened to being able to try something? agh but there’s the rub. if public money is involved only those who demonstrate long term commitment to something will be granted that money over someone wanting to try it and progress with it.

hang on….. – hands placed in a ‘t’- time out.

this is my own frustration. this is my own manifestation

of problem,

of rejection

of feeling isolated.


Sunday moring porridge and extras from last nights dvd. tea and the dog the looking wo full to get on the sofa.

this morning is after the day before. Leicester coffee and portfolio revue relative to resident opportunities, at least that’s my interpretation of what the day was.

this morning i find myself googling artist approach. something i have and something i do yet i’m not aware enough to present it to a selection panel in terms of securing an opportunity.

it’s ok though.

yesterday i came to be one at peace with not having a portfolio and in the peaceful ness of that saw the need to have portfolio in order to go for opportunities.

there are masses of opportunities… i’ve just not been looking and just not been prepared enough to look.

so what’s my plan?

drink tea and catch up with the rugby. in other words nothing … right now.

to keep my practice sustainable i’ll feed into what i am currently doing what i next need to do. avoid creating a crisis.

i glance through…

how does an approach differ from a statement ?

for me the notion of having an approach is more open , more approachable than a statement.

of course the question remains.. publish one’s approach or not?

know thy approach and



watch doctor who