My last post was something of an effort to put things in perspective. The thoughts have continued however. Especially the ones about functioning without a studio space separate from my home. I talk about not having had one previously and tell myself off for moaning.
Thing is though, my practice is different now to how it was two years ago, very different to five years ago, and almost unrecognisable from ten years ago…. Having acknowledged the difference this is where I’ve got to:
By not having a separate studio for three months now I have identified where the need for it sits.
It sits in that area between the intellectual and the emotional…
The physical act of sitting… in an unobserved space… The absence of social interaction on a level not chosen by myself. I’ve got all the bases covered there: physical, intellectual, emotional and social.
I have expressed a need to work today. I have a mental list of certain “real” things that need doing. But the most real thing to me that needs doing is that separateness. My husband asked what I was going to do today. I’m sure he is asking out of interest. But the answer is complicated. The answer concerns not being asked. A rebuke to his asking of the question is undoubtedly rude. I don’t wish to be rude. So I just said something vague like “oh just art stuff” and lay back in bed thinking about what I was going to do.
This is perhaps where the unobserved bit is important… It will no doubt look like I’m doing nothing. The outward appearance of doing nothing is exactly what I don’t want to be observed doing. (Convoluted sentences that don’t express the intention very well.)
Having mapped out the need to physically be alone in the space, the absence of the social is critical.
I doubt if I will get as much of the unobserved time that it will take, but I have to attempt it. It’s a little like a meditative process, a stilling of the mind. I’m feeling a little down at the moment… And I feel crowded out a bit. This seems rude and ungrateful. I do have a wonderful family and I am surrounded with love. It goes both ways. I love them dearly. But I need head space. I need to physically clear the dining table, as a metaphor for what I want to happen in my head. Clear out some of the baggage and the rubbish that accumulates. Not only will I see and appreciate the love more clearly for doing so, I will be able to think about the work. I’ve done a bit of knitting and sewing and drawing since working at home. I now find that it means nothing unless I can do the clear thinking.
So, while the house is empty for a little while this morning, I’m diving in to the dining room/storage room/studio to have a bit of a think.