Is it a “me” thing?
or an “artist” thing?
or a “woman” thing?
There’s not really any balance about any of it, there’s no “everything in moderation” about any of it either.
I am a binge person.
I have spent days and days in the studio, making, writing, recording. Head down, blinkers on, focussed, productive. Then, I pull up my head and look around at the world and I realised I haven’t eaten a proper meal for a while, there’s no real food in the house, and my son is due home from university. So the pendulum swings the other way… No more studio for me for a while (maybe)… and today I have spent all day in the kitchen, having a wonderful time making meals to put in the freezer, so that when the pendulum swings back, at least we can eat properly.
I have been given a new job too, or at least part of one, that will entail me being in BCU for about 60 hours in total over the next year. I know this is hardly anything in the scheme of things, but I can feel myself twitching. In order to get a handle on this, I need to immerse myself in it for a while, in order to understand what I am expected to do, and to do it in a professional, organised manner. So tomorrow, I shall wade through all the paperwork and get organised. I have coloured felt pens, paper, notebooks… I shan’t come out until I get it!
I seem unable to achieve a balanced home/work life. Things have to reach some sort of crisis before I react. My house is an absolute bombsight, and Franny is coming to stay for a couple of days next month, AND I’m going to Stockholm to take part in an exhibition. So, I expect, over the easter weekend, instead of doing the usual easter things, I shall be whirling about the house with a vacuum cleaner and a can of polish and a duster. I shall do it all in a day (small house) and be knackered after.
Also, I need to finish another bra before I go to Stockholm… I need to take it with me. So, I shall get my head down in the knowledge I have a clean house, and food in the freezer, and won’t come up for air until it is done.
In the midst of working for the exhibition with Bo Jones, after we had finished our Masters, I stitched myself beyond the point at which I needed medical attention, to the point where I couldn’t hold a pen, let alone a needle. Being unable to stitch almost resulted in the need for psychological intervention. But I have friends, so was distracted, given alternative tasks and managed to come out the other side in time to finish work for the exhibition. Stupidity.
(But I did manage to do some work with photographs and photoshop, and letter stamps instead, that worked through some of the frustrations)
April is a pretty much recording free month – just one session – good job too. I can binge on the housework, do the stitching, get myself to Sweden and back, ready for May. In May, I will be just writing songs, recording, producing, getting it all together, reviewing the songs and deciding which to use. In May I have 9 sessions booked in. It will be amazing, but by the end of it, the house will be a tip again, we will be eating fish fingers, toast and take-aways.
June, no doubt, will be filled with curatorial experimentation and decisions. This will be my focus. The show opens on July 3/4th, for a month.
I think I may be able to hit a slump come August.I think it’s quite addictive behaviour. I can’t stop once I get engrossed. It takes me over, exhausts me at the same time as making me feel alive, exhilarated, definitely high. I don’t think it’s too much of a problem. But don’t tell me I should give it up.
I do need to organise another event before the end of 2015. But I must remember my eldest son is getting married in October… I don’t think it would go down too well if I forgot that because I was hunched over my studio desk with dilated pupils…