Threads

I’m a bit all over the place to be honest, but things are calming down enough for me to write a post.

The work for my show at The Weeks Gallery has now landed in the US, so I can stop panicking so much about that … although it hasn’t arrived at its final destination yet, so I’m not totally calm. When it does, only then can I think about shipping myself over there in March. It has been stressful working out what to take and how to get it there. But I can’t wait to see it all up! It opens first week in February until 17th March if you happen to be in Jamestown NY, pop in and say hi! I’m not sure exactly when I will be there yet, but certainly towards the end of the run.

This morning at the crack of dawn we (The Sitting Room) had a radio show recording session for Black Country Radio Xtra… it will be out on February 2nd at 5pm and for a week after you can listen again. It’s a show about songwriting, influences etc, and features six live performances. That early in the morning is not great for me at the best of times (9:00) but singing at that time was a challenge. I warmed up by singing in the shower and on the way in the car, but it wasn’t as smooth as I would have liked… I think it will sound ok, but it felt “scratchy”.

The final mixes for the new EP landed in the inbox this morning and I think they sound great, so all I need to do is get the master to the guy who does the reproductions… we will have a few real CDs as well as launching for the first time on BandCamp etc.

In amongst all this public facing productivity I am still working in the studio on the twig wrapping and work for my solo installation at RBSA in May. I have also been asked by the RBSA director Sanna Moore to help select the new artists for the Graduate Artists Programme. This feels like a real honour to be asked. I was chosen because I have a practice that is multi-disciplinary and broad based. I’m really looking forward to what and who turns up! If you are based in the Midlands and you have graduated in the last ten years you are eligible

That will happen once I have returned from the US… then I have about a month to finalise arrangements for my solo show. (At some point I will need to get down to Devon in April to work on the song/sounds with producer Michael Clarke.)

I’ve also been invited to join in with the next phase of Radio Public, focussing on the black country town of Brierley Hill. This way of working isn’t my usual thing, but it is local, sociable, interesting… I enjoyed the last one in Dudley, and always enjoy working with Bill and Helen, so I feel no stress about that bit!

Over the summer I’m going to be doing some community-based, twig-related projects in the local park with Rick Sanders, and we hope to get some funding for that. 

This feels the busiest I have been since I became totally self-employed to be honest. I am enjoying the prospect of getting stuff done, and getting my work out where it can be seen.

And then I am also looking forward to August, when I can hopefully get some time to sit back and reflect, and relax a bit! I might go on holiday!

I’ve always been determined that my blog should reflect the real life of this particular artist. Not just all the good stuff, but how hard it can be, how stressful, as well as how amazingly wonderful it can be.

The last couple of months have been all of those things!

I am on the verge of (hopefully) shipping nine boxes of art, representing twelve years of work over to the USA for a retrospective show, lasting six weeks. (I say hopefully because until they get collected from my house and put on a van, and then arrive safely, I have to stay a little cautious, it’s just my nature.) This is truly amazing, and I am hugely grateful to Debra Eck for asking me.

The process so far has shown me lots of things about myself that I would like to share:

• I hate all the admin. Passport applications (mine had expired, because I didn’t think I would be going anywhere), form filling, taking photos, parcel wrapping, weighing, unwrapping because you forgot something, wrapping again. I need a PA or an intern. If artists actually invoiced for this “office time” nobody would pay us to do anything.

• The emotional weight of selecting from twelve years work has been heavy. My work is emotional while I am making it. Bringing it off shelves, out of cupboards and washing, ironing, dusting it down, then assessing it with as much objectivity as I can muster has been tough… is it worth the air fare?

• The biggest thing though is the nagging feeling “Am I worth the air fare?” Now I don’t want loads of sympathy here, I’m not fishing for compliments or anything like that. I’m just saying that this feels like a big deal opportunity, but I don’t feel like a big deal person. It’s close to imposter syndrome, but something else as well. I was not brought up to expect success. Every success is a huge surprise to me. I always expect it to collapse at the last minute with someone saying “Why on earth did you think YOU deserved THAT?” Some people seem to have the knack of reinforcing this feeling. I am trying very hard not to take on their shit. I have plenty of my own thanks.

• The process so far has been mentally and physically exhausting both for me and my absolute star of a husband, Mike. If this isn’t love then I don’t know what is. I keep crying… and almost crying. And he keeps just doing what I ask of him, and supplying me with tea on a regular basis.

• I am so excited I can hardly sleep. I think when the parcels are on the van I will relax a little. But for now there is no room for anything else.

• I am managing myself by looking at just the next step, the next form, the next item… I am surprising myself with my state of calm organisation in amongst the chaos. I am able to tell myself I will get there, just by doing the next thing, as and when I can do it.

• How tightly the physical and the mental are tied together!? My arthritis is being a bastard. Once the parcels have gone I will begin the task of booking my own flights. I shall do this and feel no guilt about booking assistance between connecting flights. I will need it and I will feel reassured and less stressed because of it. I am good at pretending to be OK, but sometimes you just need help. I feel simultaneously fragile and determined.

I have just been brought another big mug of steamy decaf Earl Grey, so I shall sign off there and come back when I’ve waved off the parcels!