As if to reinforce my current state of mind, and my attitude towards the coming year, I made a discovery…
In a fit of pre-christmas-visitor tidying, I came across the notebook I had used in the meeting I had with my old boss about the changes in my working contract, in March. At the time, irritated by having only an hour’s notice of the meeting, I passive-aggressively wrote down every word that was said, slowly, pausing and asking for clarification frequently. So, this stands as a document recording that emotionally charged hour. In it, I see the meek, ingratiating HR person. I see the ambitious boss, determined to get her way, sat slightly too close to me, on a slightly higher chair, grin fixed.
In my notes I can actually see the point at which my brain switched to NO.
At the time… I felt besieged, belittled, targeted, victimised, trampled.
Now I feel emotionally strong, empowered and independent.
That brief interlude no longer colours my feelings about the ten year job that I loved. I can read these notes now with a sense of detachment, wondering about that me versus this me.
I would have been a disciplinary nightmare if I had capitulated and stayed against my principles. I would have subverted, undermined, and rattled the cage.
Leaving was best for all concerned, especially me!
She did me a favour.
This me is more me than I have ever felt.
So I’ve ripped out the pages and shredded them.
…and I’m running towards 2015 with open arms!