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Why is it that I feel an idea isn’t working until I can verbalise it? Is it because I’m doing this blasted MA (I love it really)?

I’m sorry to be boring, but I’m still talking about the bloody lullaby, and the question of why it is a “proper song” It seemed not good enough to say to my fellows and my tutors “because I say so” or “because it feels right”

Today I think I found an answer of sorts:

The parents and children I think about, the over-protective, obsessive type of parenting, the parenting that requires a manual of the correct way to do things… these fictional parents would not be content with a hummed lullaby, oh no, their fictional child is worth more than that! Their child should have a proper song! only the best will do! Otherwise, the ensuing guilt would be unbearable.

(however, it is me singing it, not a cathedral choir and 50-piece orchestra, but we can’t have everything can we?)

Don’t you just love it when a plan comes together? And when insomnia is productive?

I just couldn’t get to sleep last night, and would have been tossing and turning if it wasn’t for my bad back. So I got up, and ferretted about for an hour or so.

You will know, if you have read much of this blog, that I have been wrangling with the idea of using my lullaby with my textile pieces and it hasn’t been a happy process. Well, last night it occured to me that my ipod dock could run off batteries; My textile pieces looked good in a drawer; I could polish a small chest of drawers to within an inch of its life; all the items I had made could go in it happily nestled together. The photo attached here is a quick mock up, as I haven’t done the cleaning and polishing yet. For the first time I’m content with this body of work. When I play the lullaby it sounds woody and lovely. The clothes peek out in a tempting manner. They are treasured and protected.

I went back to bed at about 2.30 and slept like a baby.

Statement to go with quilt is finished. Books are either in the bag to be returned to the library, or tidily back on the shelves. The table is clear, scissors and tape back in the drawer.

Tomorrow I’m in Birmingham, at Margaret Street, sitting back for a while, soaking up the atmosphere, joining in group tutorials, drinking tea and discussing life, the universe and everything… until it’s my turn next week.

Writing is a strange activity, and I’ve been thinking about how I do it, and whether this is an efficient way to do it. I’m talking about so-called academic writing here, not the odd bit of lyric writing or blogging I do.

I was heartened to hear the other day from someone who has reached the dizzy heights of a PhD, that she spews everything that’s in her head onto the page, then sorts it out later.

I know someone else who makes notes neatly gathered under headings, then extrapolates and develops, so not a spare word reaches the page.

I scribble all sorts of interesting notes in a book, some of them have no relevance to my topic, they are just interesting to me. Some have a reference, some I forget to reference then have to scrabble about to find again. Some have come out of my head, tying my thoughts in to what I’ve read.

I hand write essays, first draft at least. I find the brain-to-hand connection imperative.

I just wrote about 1500 words to go with my quilt-as-essay research. This is way too much – I might as well have written a 5000 word essay rather than gone for the “negotiated alternative”. I wrote what I thought, which at first was about 500 words, but then a structure was imposed upon it, from my tutor. It tripled the count, but to be honest, I’m not sure the content has tripled. It certainly doesn’t need to… I don’t think. So out come the scissors again and I shall snip it up. There is something useful about the physicality of using real scissors rather than clicking and dragging on screen. I’ve been told my writing style is unnecessarily flowery for an academic essay, and I know I’m prone to repetition, particularly when I’m given sections/headings to write to, as some things fit more than one section, and because I can’t make a decision, I shove it in twice.

All the above rubbish has come about because someone has suggested that my quilt project could lead into PhD research. But the way I go about things seems ridiculously inefficient. If it takes me this long to work out the words for a relatively short essay, I’d be dead before the completion of a PhD. Old habits are hard to break though aren’t they?

In some ways, today has been frustrating. Things were cancelled at fairly short notice, so I found myself in Birmingham with plenty of work to do, but without much in the way of motivation. I convinced myself to read, but noise followed me around the building, even into the library. I had a couple of solitary visits to Starbucks on the corner, usually this is done with others, and accompanied by discussion about work seen and arguments on its merit or otherwise.

On another day I might have given up and gone home, but I’ve got Dan’s gig to go to this evening, so decided to stick it out, as driving home and back into Birmingham later would just be horrible! So I had a little trip to Marks and Spencer, Monsoon and Muji (only shops beginning with M). Bought pens, not posh frock or pants (only looked at things beginning with P). I don’t think my husband appreciates what a rare woman I am!

Then, in a fit of time-killing boredom, switched on the MacBook again to check emails and read my statement…again. Good news is, my tutor thinks it’s nearly there, but as always with my writing, needs structure. Blogging is good, allows me to ramble along being flowery and descriptive and have a bit of a giggle, but it’s not doing much to improve my academic writing.

I wrote a bit more, jiggled it about a bit, but think I will end up printing it, literally cutting it up and put all the similar bits in piles (see? I can do structure!)

So, this last hour has been quite productive really… I’ve also had a few more thoughts about my Big Idea, confirmed a couple of meetings and wrestled with whether I should let you in on another, Secret Idea. I think not. Not yet. But watch this space.

(00:40am… Just got back from Dan’s gig… Bloody Marvellous! Buy his album, it’s gorgeous) (www.dan-whitehouse.com)