I still feel the slump, but muscle memory and sheer bloody-mindedness have taken over.
I keep stitching – – – – – – –
(“Keep on swimming, keep on swimming….” (Finding Nemo, for those who don’t already know))
The stitching saves me. That repetitive, unthinking, thinking action is relentless. Unthinking: because all the decisions have already been made, my needle just goes up and down. Sometimes I don’t even have to watch it. Thinking: because the rest of my mind wanders where it wants to, needs to, to get the other stuff thought about. It’s like sleep, or hypnotism…. the state of flow.
When I rise from that state I am restless again, in need of action. Bloody-minded… determined and belligerent.
I open up the online Arts Council form and look again. I have written the words, they might change a little, but they are there. The numbers are a different matter. My heart sinks as I open it up, and look at my spreadsheet (previously the saviour of the innumerate). Numbers lie heavy in my head. I need to mangle them and make them stand up straight. I say their names slowly in the hope that understanding will suddenly dawn and they will dance in front of my eyes and do my bidding. Sometimes, I slam my laptop shut and swear violently. Sometimes I coax the numbers and myself into an uneasy truce. They promise to behave, and sit still, if I promise not to lose my temper. In this manner we ease our way to a cautious balance…
The Arts Council thing is for a longer bigger project that I am desperate to do, but currently don’t quite have the skills for, and will need to pay someone to help me, and someone to teach me. For this, money is required. It’s a corker… and I would just love to make it happen!
Meanwhile…. out in the big wide world, things are happening… I have been invited to put the little fabric scrap shoes into an exhibition called “A Child’s Christmas in Wales” for the Oriel Gallery in Wrexham. How lovely it is that someone has found me through my brand spanking new Axisweb membership, and invited me to show some work! I am thrilled!
I don’t think I wrote about the Axisweb thing… I think it happened while my blog was down for a few days. I need to stop bloody moaning and slumping about, because actually some pretty amazing things have happened lately, and are still happening. I need to prise myself out of the slumpy armchair and enjoy it while it’s going on. These things snowball don’t they? If something happens to give you confidence, strike while the iron is hot and do something else before it fades. This is why I did the Axis thing… while there were lots of fresh and lovely things on my cv. After that, I had a bit of a lightbulb moment about my work, how it could really work as something bigger, and have dived into the Arts Council funding hoo-hah…
I’d keep my fingers crossed, but I’m too busy using them for the adding up.