Heading off to Gatwick later.

Everything is packed. I’m a little nervous about the transformer unit for the train set. It’s well packed and in my hold luggage bag after hearing that someone was stopped at airport security with a similar transformer last year. All the other components are in my cabin luggage. It looks so little!

Liz Croft has been a real pleasure to work with. Other than one brief phone call last night all our communication has been through email, the whole process has been easy and enjoyable.

Must remember to ask about getting the installation videoed …



At the studio on Friday – giving the model trains a test run – when Tine mentioned that her sabbatical cover has fallen through and her college have asked her if see knows anyone who could step in and do it. She stopped half was through her sentence and just looked at me … do I want to do it?
Even if she puts me forward there’s no guarantee I’ll get it – though I was second choice for a very similar position at the same college about a year ago (I’d be working alongside the woman who was first choice!). It’s not what I had in mind at all but seems like too good an opportunity to pass up.
In my mind I was going to continue with my current part-time work (in retail) until late spring 2009 then head off to Stockholm. Now I have the possibility of doing something much more interesting and simply going to Stockholm a couple of months later than I’d imagined. Why did I even ask for the weekend to think about it??! Why can’t I recognise a ‘no-brainer’?

Do I have what it takes to be a ‘London Artist’?
I’ve convinced myself that ‘London Artists’ are breed to themselves – they have to be to survive in this city. Another way of looking at this is to ask if I want to be a ‘London Artist’. Time away form this city might give me more insight – there are times when I love being here, love the sheer scale of the art-scene in all it’s diversity, love the buzz and the hype. Then there are other times when I feel so distant form all that that I wonder what I’m still doing here.
I love what I do, does it matter where I do it?
If I have a better quality of life will I be a better artist?
What is commitment?

Autumn seems to be the right season for a bit of a review and research ….


I’ve spent the last hour typing and deleting paragraphs that attempt to explain what I want to do next. And basically I’m not sure that I can explain it, not in the ways I’m used to explaining things.

I want to go to Stockholm, for at least a few months possibly a year …

The plan so far:
• research residencies / exchange programmes
• make contact with artist led projects / studios
• plan a research visit for early 2009
• learn some basic Swedish

I can’t explain it other than to say it feels right – more right than trying to get on to PhD programme, more right than finding better part-time work. This feeling, listening to my feelings, is new to me and it’s a little bit scary – scary and exciting.

Do I have to have a logical, rational, sensible reason for doing things?
Perhaps my long-held desire to justify my actions isn’t relevant anymore. Who was I justifying them to anyway?


Strange being back here, it feels like ages (it is ages!) since I posted anything.

Good day at the studio – I thought I'd be there all day, as it was I did everything I wanted to by 4.30. It felt weird to "finish early". Sometimes I massively over estimate the time I need to do things.

I'm really looking forward to my show in Norway. Last week I was unnecessarily anxious about re-spray the trains (I was too aware of how much it would cost to replace them if it didn't work). On Wednesday I took a deep breath and hit the Bermuda Blue spray can! Today I gave them both a final few coats.

My two weeks in Sweden gave me time and space to think about what I do next. In terms of my life/career. I'd always promised myself a 'year off' after John died, and although I'm not quite there yet being in Stockholm seemed like a good place to start thinking a more seriously about both what I want to do and what might be realistic options.

What do I even mean by 'realistic options'?