Speaking of being en-route to somewhere … in the three week’s time I will be en-route to Aarhus, Denmark, where Glitter Ball is taking part in Juxtapose. Mireia and I are driving from Uppsala via Malmö where will pick up work by Pavel who will join us later in the week. Lydia is flying(?) to Aarhus from the UK on Tuesday, and Roberto arrives in Aarhus on Thursday from Copenhagen. It’s very unfortunate that Elena is having knee surgery and is unable to join us.
I am still in (at least) two minds about what to present as to my second work. I think that I am going with an assemblage of material arranged to suit the particular dimensions of the display panel. When I return to the studio later this week I will continue working in the panel size areas that I have marked out on the studio wall.
It is very exciting to think about being one of the participants/exhibitors rather than being one of the organisers. That said there is crossover … perhaps not exactly crossover … perhaps seepage … perhaps something nicer sounding that I cant quite put my finger on at the moment. Because of my work with Supermarket I know not only Pam and Cecilie who are the directors of Juxtapose, but also several of the other participants/exhibitors. I know that this will be good for me. I am perhaps too keen to keep the different aspects of my life separate and distinct. This is not an option at Juxtapose! I will very much be in the intersection of (my) life’s Venn diagram.
That intersectionality might furnish me with a sense of wholeness; and that is probably … definitely … no bad thing.
Definitely time to start heading for those doors that are on the latch or perhaps already a little ajar …
I remember reading, many years ago – in my studio in West Norwood, about Nicholas Logsdail’s decision(?) to stop being a practicing artist and to concentrate on what today is called curating or being a gallerist. Should I follow in his footsteps before it’s too late to have any sort of career as a curator? As much as I tell myself to focus on my own practice I can’t help but do this through thinking about and organising group events and activities in which by dint of my being the project leader the work I present is almost always the poor relation and I am rarely satisfied with my contribution.
I am self-aware enough to recognise that I am not, and never will be, the greatest artist. I am starting to feel that I am barely an adequate artist.
Would my life be easier if I gave up the pretence? It would certainly be less frustrating and more economically viable. I could rent a room half the size of my studio as showroom come office …
At the same time I am not sure that I could deal with … accept … the inevitable sense of failure that I am bound to feel. I have persisted with my practice for thirty five years, so in some ways it feels dumb to stop now. Yet on the other hand it feels pointless carrying on when I think that it is unlikely that I will ever even be able to call myself an emerging artist. Emerging implies a definite sense of energy and evolution – a being on route to somewhere. It appears am not on route anywhere!
It really doesn’t matter whether my lack of artistic career is down to bad decisions or bad luck the outcome is the same – bad. Do I want to keep feeling this sense of disappointment and frustration?
Or do I gird my loins, put my money where my mouth is (or more accurately where it has been), and give being a visual artist my fullest attention – whatever that means. Go to the studio and make, and make, and make.
Could the art world 2038 be ready for a newly discovered 70 year old artist? That gives me nearly another fifteen years in which to make my mark. Recent events including the failure to get one of the artists’ working grants makes me wonder whether those years might be better spent somewhere else than Sweden. I am seriously considering that I will never fit in Sweden and therefore I have to ask if I can even survive there … let alone flourish.
I used to think that I was unappreciated and unsupported because I didn’t understand the system, now that I know the system far better I wonder if the system simply isn’t interested in appreciating and supporting artists like me. How long do I keep pushing against closed doors?
I am both disappointed and frustrated not to have received an artists’ working grant (again). It would be fantastic to have the opportunity to live and work as an artist full-time for a year at least once. I thought that I stood a good chance of being successful when I applied this time – I’ve had a couple of notable exhibitions in the last couple of years (or so I thought), and I have a couple of exhibitions and a project presentation coming up in early 2026. My colleagues at the studio were also surprised to hear that I was not successful. It must be becoming rather tedious for them to say they are surprised every year too!
Looking at the successful artists from this county (not that it is awarded by county but one has to start somewhere when reviewing the 401 artists who were successful) I see that they work in ways which are easily, one could almost say traditionally, defined – painting, print-making, socially engaged practice. My work on the other hand is rather tricky to define, sometimes installation, sometimes object/sculpture, sometimes social engaged, sometimes conceptual. My work challenges traditional classification, even if I use ready-mades it is always with specific socio-political intent as well as aesthetic consideration. My work may not be one thing, and at the same time it is not not another thing. It is in essence … I guess … queer. And it seems to make people uncomfortable. That is until they meet me … then things usually go better, then they get it.
Receiving the award has implications far beyond the sudden increase in one’s bank balance. As is all too often the case success creates success – or perhaps I should say recognition creates recognition. Having the award listed on one’s cv certainly seems to be an advantage when applying for other awards, projects, commissions, and residencies. It is obviously a stamp of approval that makes it easier to be approved elsewhere. Such things are particularly important in a country such as Sweden where most want to follow the trend rather than dare to be different.
I feel, and it just a feeling as it is hard to find statistics, that artists educated outside of Sweden have a distinct disadvantage in this Swedish grant system. The majority of artists graduating from a Swedish art institution leave with some kind of stipend or award. It might be financial, material (free studios), or experiential (residencies). This usually allows recent graduates at least six months to one year without having the same economic challenges as artists who do not have access to the same or similar support. Of course this does not guarantee a successful career, it does however create windows of opportunity, it also provides that first important award on their cv.
And everyone knows that it is easier to keep a bolder rolling than to set it off in the first place.
If I do ever receive one of these grants I can pretty much guarantee that I will be filled with a sense of ’about time’ rather than being awash with gratitude.
