Project Me

Re-reading my application for the Project Programme has helped settle my somewhat overwhelmed mind. I started to wonder if the project I proposed (aware of my suspicion of the word ‘project’) was still relevant to me as it was conceived many months ago and before doing the artistic research course. That course made me realise the importance of my sense of integrity in my practice. I made the application to Mejan thinking that it would be interesting to develop (re-engage with) more sculptural aspects of my practice – exchanging the installations and second-hand materials for independent objects and more traditional materials. Since enrolment the validity of this switch has given me much to think about:

Is doing something quite different advantageous or disruptive? An opportunity for new learning and experiences, or a distraction and dissipation of energy and focus?

Re-reading led me to wonder if I can have/be all these things at the same time, and if any anxiety I feel now is actually the excitement of knowing that I could be on the brink of something new and unknown. I took out the sketches that I was making when I made the application – shadows of my childhood soft toys. I had also made a few sketches where I drew mirror images of halves of the shadows, these created more abstract drawings that almost resembled those visual illusions where you can see different things depending on whether you focus in the white or black image. It was during this re-looking that I began to wonder if my sense of not knowing the value of my proposal could, and would, only be resolved through doing it – though the making processes.

And so I have started to think of this time/work as an open process rather than as the realisation of a proposal.

How great to allow myself to say “I will not know until I make it”!

It is most important that the work (“the project”) makes sense to me – I do need to remind myself of this no matter how obvious it sounds.

Meeting with my supervisor on Tuesday. Looking forward to second session of Making Matters course at Konstfack tomorrow …

Awareness is a curious thing.

One of the short stories we are reading for the Swedish course is a translation of Julio Cortàzar’s Axolotl. Having not read an English translation it took two readings for me to be confident that I had not misunderstood it entirely. Alongside the story is a small black and white picture of an axolotl – the image is quite captivating. On Wednesday I went to Mejan to drop off my request for workshop induction courses and noticed the poster for the ‘welcome party’, in the top right corner is an image of another axolotl. All of a sudden I found myself wondering about the connections and significances between quite separate appearances of this strange creature. Encountering something unusual twice, and in different contexts, alerted me to it, heightened my awareness and I began to wonder if the axolotl might be a sign or motif … of what, I do not know!

My first week at Mejan gave me some sense of the year to come – a blend of fantastic opportunities and possibilities, along with a need for concentrated focus and structure. The introductory day gave me the sense of becoming part of a well-established and historic institution; the school’s principle continuing the tradition of calling, by name, each member of the new classes up on stage to receive a round of applause. This was followed by the academic and administrative staff introducing themselves. Then everyone went outside for a group photo. It was an old-fashioned large format camera, and perhaps it was this that gave me sense that standing there and being photographed was some kind of entry into the history of Swedish art. I was really pleased to meet another artist from last year’s Artistic Research course, she is on a fascinating and very theoretical sounding course. We are both also continuing with the next research course at ‘the other’ art school! A tour of school’s workshops and facilities in the afternoon made me envy students embarking on the five year combined BA and MA course but also think about how equally easily one can also be simply distracted by possibilities.

The next day there was a lunch for project programme students – there are a lot of us! Many of the others have previously studied at the school and are returning after years of working independently. As I looked around the table I was pleased to see a good range of ages! Purely by chance my ‘supervisor’ sat beside me, by even more chance the person on her other side was her other student! It was good to meet her, especially as she was leaving for the UK that afternoon and would be away for two weeks! (We have now arranged our first proper meeting for the 24^th.) This day made me realise that I am there as a professional artist, and not a student – and this might well be a very significant aspect of my learning and development during the year. Perhaps what I need to acquire (refine?) is a more professional approach and attitude to my practice, to be less ‘backward about coming forward’ as they say. I do not mean that I want be develop arrogance or bravado, more that I want to develop my practice into something in which has a more pronounced of cohesion. To somehow develop it’s integrity and place in the world. Why does this sense of being a ‘real’ artist always seem to be just out of reach?

Having said that this elusive sense of being professional (on my own terms) feel more ‘almost within my grasp’ than it has done previously.

There is a line in Wim Wenders’ film on Pina Bausch about having the courage to ‘let the crazy out’. It struck a chord with me, it is perhaps this courage that I seek, that I want to find within me, that will give my practice the core and integrity that it sometimes lacks. I wonder if I need the opposite of ‘blind courage’, and if that need is why I seek knowledge and understanding – not for its external worth but rather for the possibilities that it opens up internally?

It was not my intention to disappear, especially not after questioning whether or not to renew my a-n membership, however studies, a trip to London and then a lack of technology in the Swedish countryside have led to a rather prolonged absence. I have a lot of catching up to do.

Today is my first real day in the studio since early June! It feels very good to be back at the start of what is going to be a very exciting (and challenging) year for me. Having passed the super-intensive language course I have started the final stage. I have been accepted on the second of Rolf Hugh’s artistic research (a/r) courses at Konstfack. This course will focus more own our own practices and less on the theory and context of a/r, though as we will meet in a seminar room it will continue to be discursive rather than hands on practical. Until a few weeks ago I imagined that these two courses and starting to look for some paid work here in Stockholm would occupy me for the autumn. In addition I have now been offered the (amazing) opportunity to also join the Project Programme at Mejan (the Royal College here, also known as KKH). I have applied for the programme for the last three years, and this year I was initially rejected (last year I was first reserve!), however when I final borrowed a friends trusty old monster of a computer to check my emails from his wi-fi free house where I was staying over the summer, there was a message from Mejan asking if I was still interested in the programme as they could offer me a place.

The Project Programme enables practicing artists to realise a professional project using the facilities at the college (not dissimilar to the UK AA2A scheme). I applied for a sculpture project, which means that I have access to their fantastic casting workshops. In fact my proposal was specifically aimed at casting as I want to re-acquaint myself with, and develop, these processes and want to work with new materials. Mejan has a reputation for its practical and technical expertise, and I am really interested in combining this with the more theoretical content at Konstfack.

The day-to-day reality of doing one full time course (the Project Programme) and two part-time ones (a/r and language) is both exciting and daunting. The a/r and language courses finish in December, so I am hoping that I can manage them all until then!

I will wait to see how it is with working space at Mejan before I make any decision about sub-letting my studio for the year. Economically it might make better sense to hire storage space for the things that I have at the studio. At the very least I will see if I can find someone to share the studio with – it is foolish to have it sitting unused for most of the week.

Mejan has the most fantastic waterfront location in central Stockholm, right next door to Moderna and opposite the old town and habour. Everyday for the past year when I have taken the little shuttle train out to Fisksatra where I live I have looked across the water and longed to be in the art school on the other side, soon I will be! It is still almost unbelievable!

In the meantime … this Thursday is the opening night for most of the commercial galleries after their summer break and I am looking forward to a good night out and seeing some art after what feels like a very long time away. It is actually only six weeks since I was in London, but living a completely different life for five weeks (working as a waiter in a country inn in the archipelago) has affected my sense of time.

It feels such a long time since I last wrote. I am in the middle to an all-consumingly intensive language course – if I pass it means that I can start the final stage of these courses in autumn and hopefully be finished at the end of the year, rather than this time next year!

A few weeks ago I noticed a poster here at the studio advertising a presentation by Ross Birrell at the invitation of Tris Vonna Michell. The poster had the Royal College (KKH) logo on it. I first met Ross about 20 years ago when we were both doing live art/performance art at the CCA in Glasgow – Ross far more successfully than me – and the last time we met was at the Goat Island Summer School (also at the CCA in 1996). The internet can be a wonderful thing and I quickly discovered that Ross is making and showing beautifully elegant installations and sound pieces across Europe and the US. His presentation of the most recent piece at the Rothko Chapel and the background to it was incredibly inspiring, not simply in terms of achieving such a prestige project (amongst others), but the complexity of the processes through which he develops his work. Listening to him, and speaking with him afterwards, I began to understand more about what artistic research could be. The scale and ambition of Ross’ pieces is fantastic, and I really needed to hear how he develops work through the combination of conceptual and sensual aspects.

Tris Vonna Michell, whose work I first saw at a Tate Triennial a few years ago, made an impression on me not only with his work but also with fact that he was from Southend on Sea – not far from where I grew up – there are not so many internationally acclaimed contemporary artists from that neck of the woods. I also saw his show at Tensta Konsthall here and was fascinated by his use of slide projectors – that’s the kind of technology that I relate to! It was an absolute pleasure to meet him and find out that he has lived in Stockholm for four years and is currently one of the resident artists at KKH.

My own presentation at the end of the research course at Konstfack was on a far more ‘intimate’ scale, which I was very glad about, as the last six months have been rather less than productive on an artistic front. My attention has been firmly fixed on the Swedish language. I received very positive feedback afterwards, however I am aware that I am capable of doing so much more. Which, partly, lead me to the decision to apply for the ‘part two’ course that will be running in the autumn. This time I have a different strategy; I am going to make new work as my participation in the course. Over the current course I applied the things I was learning to existing work, which though useful has a certain retrogressive feel to it. If I am offered a place on the new course I want to experiment with something much more progressive! I am even wondering if I can include aspects to do with learning Swedish … my thinking is that I can take the opportunity of the course to devise a working process that is quite different from my usual habits and routines … take the chance to do something new … allow myself to really engage with learning … allow myself to be (really) open to development!

I have a dilemma, do I renew my a-n subscription or not? I would like to keep supporting a-n but I do not have any income at the moment, not do I use any of the resources that a subscription provides, and as I live in Sweden the ppl insurance does not cover me … after what must be a total of nearly 15 years of subscribing it feels so strange to even consider not renewing ….

Duet 2012, Ross Birrell http://vimeo.com/46173932

Had a very interesting day at Konstfack on Friday – presentations of artistic research projects and degree shows. Doing the research course has been a truly great experience, not only have I had the opportunity to find out more about what Artistic Research is – or might be! – I have gotten to know a really interesting and generous group of artists (in which I also include the course tutor). The course has provided me with a framework within which to think about my own practice but it has also opened up possibilities of vast new areas and approaches – things that I want to continue to explore and develop.

I have just received details of the ‘next’ course and will apply for that too.

The course has given me a lot to think about – directly and indirectly. One of the more interesting indirect things has been my resistance to the word ‘project’! I now think my that resistance had to do with a) how the word is sometimes (mis)used, and b) its relevance to my own practice. Partly in preparation for applying for the next course, and partly for my own sake, I have been thinking about what my work is about, what subject, theme or topic I can draw out of it (as opposed to ‘place on it‘). I realised that this subject, theme or topic is the essence of what could be called my ‘project’ – I like the idea that ‘project’ can describe the theme and approach of my practice. In that way I think that the word, and the concept, could be very useful to me and perhaps it is this usefulness that has enabled me to re-access my resistance. Through the course I have begun to think more carefully about the persistent qualities in my practice and it is these that are slowly forming into what I might be happily able to call ‘my project’.

I remain nervous about the relationship between the thinking, reading and writing, and the actual physical visual making. This, I suspect, is an important feeling and one to be embraced rather than avoided, for it is this tension between theory and practice – if I can get it right(!) – that will develop and progress what I achieve.

One of my fellow students and I had a very interesting discussion about one of the research presentations, I was delighted when she called me the following the day to talk a little more about what she and her partner had been discussing over night. Even more delighted that she spoke Swedish with me and that I was almost entirely able to speak Swedish with her! Language is both central and incidental part of my life at the moment, I am so pleased that outside of the course times my class-mates speak Swedish with me, it is an incredible help for improving my ‘art’ Swedish and it the best kind of feedback that I could receive as it is so easy for Swedes to seamlessly, and politely, change to English when they realise that someone does not understand them or is incapable of expressing themselves in Swedish.