I really enjoyed my few days in Berlin. It’s only in the last few years that I’ve started visiting places more than once. Being back in Berlin was much more relaxing than my first time, I knew my way around and that made a huge difference. Now that I’ve been twice it feels as though I’ll go again. Could I ever re-locate, not necessarily there, anywhere?
It was great being invited to speak about my work to students. It made me realise how much I miss being in an academic situation. The question is how do I get back into it? I looked at the person specification for a part-time visiting lecturer early this week – a PhD or equivalent profile was the first of the ‘essential’ criteria. What’s stopping me from really investigating a PhD (I mean actually talking with someone about it rather just downloading stuff from various college websites)?
The thing is, I’m really enjoying my life at the moment. But I’m getting anxious about the future. It’s okay (not ideal but okay) being 40 and having a couple of part-time ‘cash in hand’ jobs with no prospects, but I don’t want to do it forever, and if I don’t do something about it no-one else is going to!
I’m quite clear about what I don’t want to do – I don’t want to run workshops in schools anymore and I don’t want to get a PGCE. For the moment I don’t want to leave London. Actually working out what I don’t want does help. What else don’t I want? I don’t want to live hand to mouth forever and I don’t want to become a ‘manager’. I don’t want to give up my practice and I don’t want to ‘re-train’.
I wrote those few paragraphs a week ago but didn’t post them. I imagined that I’d do it the next day – I didn’t. Since taking the second part-time job I haven’t got in to any sort of routine and weeks pass before I feel as though I’ve even started them. Yesterday (Tuesday) I found myself already putting an imaginary line through this week – every day accounted for. Of course it’s not quite like that but with four regular days work and an extra one on Sunday coming, it feels as though I have no time for myself. I want to find a way to earn more and work less.
Art opportunities are coming up and they’re starting to get more interesting – these are the things I really want to pursue, these are things that are important to me. I’ve got to find a way to make it all sustainable …
What happened to May?
Achieved three things on my do to list:
• I have a lovely flat fresh white studio wall – it’s the only wall in the studio that I can actually pin things to.
• Yesterday morning I installed slide scanner software on my computer and used it to scan some slides of work from 2001. It’s great to have these older pieces in digital form. Though I must get the slides cleaned before I scan the next batch.
• Ordered and collected a length of foam ‘bolster’ for my patchwork punch bag. Combined the collection with the Tom Friedman opening at Gagosian. I felt rather under-dressed and over-burdened – one of the almost identically glamorous assistants smiled very sweetly as I laid my oversized package at the side that frighteningly extensive reception desk.
Spent a great day playing with urine bottles last week – results pictured. Was most surprised by the ‘cairn’ form that evolved. I left in the studio for a few days and was genuinely delighted with the feedback I got from everyone. Encouraged my to think I should play more and plan less. Am I starting to uncover/recover the sculptor in me? It’s ages since I played with materials – I know urine bottles are far from ‘neutral’ materials but I really enjoyed playing with their form and not thinking too much about they actually are. I want to order some more and see how high I can go.
My new bike has had a big impact on my life. I’m more inclined to attend openings now it doesn’t cost me six pounds for a travel card (somehow the few hundred the bike cost doesn’t seem to worry me). The other noticeable difference is that I don’t take my laptop with me when I work in the shop. I could usually get at least the equivalent of an hour when I could go online. Now I don’t do it. In some ways it’s great and appeals to my technology resistance, in others I realise that I’m not as hooked in as I was. Would it be possible not to use a computer these days? What would that life be like? I manage quite well without a mobile phone, though email and the internet is another question. Last week I amended my email signature to include a line that says I don’t check my inbox everyday. I read recently of a business where they never open email in the morning, and heard of another where they have email free days – it’s good to know I’m not the only one who feels overwhelmed by communication. I can honestly say that I’d rather be on my bike than online ….
Why do I find so hard to concentrate on one thing, or even a few things, without succumbing to distractions?
I've set myself a few small projects and deadlines, and yet before I've even started these I find myself hunting through the opportunities listings of half a dozen art websites. The really dumb thing is that the tasks I've set are mainly focussed on getting existing work documented and available in a range of media formats so that I can make better applications.
So, what's so hard about sticking to my strategy? I wish I knew, that way I could do something about it.
Projects & tasks:
• plasterboard one wall of the studio
• order materials to complete unfinished work
• photograph pieces I’ve made in the last two years
• learn to use the slide scanner I’ve been given
• make a model gallery for photographing macquettes
• make macquettes of large sculptures
• settle outstanding Crystal Palace Artists business
• write ‘Bed for …’ proposal
One new and important task is to get in touch with the curators Michael introduced me to in Norway. I've been thinking a lot about the exhibition space they programme – it's very interesting. It’s in a former railway station and has some curious restrictions imposed by the owners (the Norwegian rail company), such as not damaging or covering the 1970s wallpaper. The trains still stop at the station but now tickets are bought on-board and the station building was redundant. It would be hard to think of a gallery with better transport connections.
And now I’ve seen another exhibition opportunity listed here. Right I really need get on with getting some good images …
Norway was fantastic – in so many ways. It was exactly what I needed (without even knowing that I needed it). Michael Petry’s project is quite something – a beautiful site-specific installation that includes contributions from 100 international artists and writers. The project’s sophistication is manifest through characteristically honed research and attention to detail. It is a wonderful piece and I am delighted to be involved. The accompanying catalogue will be online shortly.
I thought I was simply going to an opening, and to be honest after a somewhat stressful week of trying to deal with Lambeth Housing, I was looking forward to spending time away and alone. What I found however was a truly welcoming group of artists and a really packed 48 hours. And not only artists, Michael’s mother Alicia and uncle Juan Roberto had travelled from El Paso and Dallas respectively to be there. From the moment Michael asked me to help prepare limejuice in his hotel bathroom I knew the weekend was going to be considerably more involved than I’d imagined. (Michael was making Margaritas for everyone in the suite that two other artists – Julia and Ken – had been upgraded to.)
Golden Rain is in one of the six decommissioned lighthouses being used for the On the Edge, Stavanger 2008 cultural programme that runs until the end of the year. On Sunday five of us artists got the train to Egersund where Michael and Morton (the man who maintains the lighthouse and it’s surrounding landscape) took us out to the bay where we got the boat across to the lighthouse.
This southern region is quite flat for Norway and we were lucky that the weather was clear and sunny. We were invited to see the installation before the official opening. In my mind I’d imagined that lighthouses are simply a very tall tower with a narrow staircase going round and round a central empty space. Of course they’re not like that, they have floors and some of those even have small rooms, there are the engines that drove the lamp lenses around and there are the gauges and checks for ensuring absolute regularity. The hundred golden raindrops appeared to be 'paused' as they descended the tower – showers of them are caught between the floors, caught in the lamp-keepers room, caught bouncing off the furnaces.
The official opening included speeches, welcomes, readings, thank yous, flowers, gifts and a solo trumpeter playing something I assume to be either locally or nationally recognised. On that day alone it was estimated that over 400 people came to the show. Everyone who comes is invited to make their own message in a bottle, and these will be later released in to the Gulf Stream with an invitation for the person who finds one to send an email with details of where and when it was found …
Had a couple of great days in the studio last week. I spent about 13 hours there on Thursday – I haven’t spent so long in a studio since I was on my MA. I didn’t plan to be there that long it just happened. The studios are quite busy at the moment and I enjoy knowing other people are around.
I’m trying to focus on resolving/finishing pieces that I’ve started over the last year or so. Though this, of course, leads to new thoughts and ideas. There’s no point in having all these ideas and no finished work. There are things I want to achieve that depend on having something to show other people – at the most basic level I’d like feedback on my work, beyond that I want to be in position to apply for shows, residencies and competitions.
I’ve decided to invest in myself. This is a new notion for me and I’m working it out in practice. For whatever reasons I’ve often felt a bit awkward about demonstrably believing that what I do has a place in the world – what I mean is that I believe in what I do, but I don’t always believe that anyone else is, or would be, interested. When I think back I realise that this is nonsense and that people have usually taken an interest in what I do and say. So I’m actively countering my reticent tendencies and getting on with it!
This weekend I’m going to Norway for the opening of Michael Petry’s Golden Rain project. Deciding to go to the opening has taken me through some interesting thought processes. Initially I was really excited, then I started to wonder if I was being a bit pretentious – after all I’m only one of 100 artists involved in his project, then Michael emailed us all saying that the organisers were really keen that as many artists as possible should attend. So I booked my flight … I guess my current anxiety is actually to do with taking myself seriously and feeling comfortable in the world that’s been a fantasy for so long.
Other investments include asking Hugh, who has the carpentry shop on the ground floor of the studio, to get some plasterboard for me. At the moment the studio doesn’t have a single wall with a good surface. There’s also not a single surface that I can pin things to – and I’m working on finishing embroidery pieces that are pinned directly to the wall. Those three sheets of plasterboard are going to make a big difference!
These modest acts of investment are important to me. It occurred to me that I need to take myself seriously if I want other people to do the same. There’s a need (and a desire) to make this attitude real – to give it material form.
