I really enjoyed my few days in Berlin. It’s only in the last few years that I’ve started visiting places more than once. Being back in Berlin was much more relaxing than my first time, I knew my way around and that made a huge difference. Now that I’ve been twice it feels as though I’ll go again. Could I ever re-locate, not necessarily there, anywhere?
It was great being invited to speak about my work to students. It made me realise how much I miss being in an academic situation. The question is how do I get back into it? I looked at the person specification for a part-time visiting lecturer early this week – a PhD or equivalent profile was the first of the ‘essential’ criteria. What’s stopping me from really investigating a PhD (I mean actually talking with someone about it rather just downloading stuff from various college websites)?
The thing is, I’m really enjoying my life at the moment. But I’m getting anxious about the future. It’s okay (not ideal but okay) being 40 and having a couple of part-time ‘cash in hand’ jobs with no prospects, but I don’t want to do it forever, and if I don’t do something about it no-one else is going to!
I’m quite clear about what I don’t want to do – I don’t want to run workshops in schools anymore and I don’t want to get a PGCE. For the moment I don’t want to leave London. Actually working out what I don’t want does help. What else don’t I want? I don’t want to live hand to mouth forever and I don’t want to become a ‘manager’. I don’t want to give up my practice and I don’t want to ‘re-train’.
I wrote those few paragraphs a week ago but didn’t post them. I imagined that I’d do it the next day – I didn’t. Since taking the second part-time job I haven’t got in to any sort of routine and weeks pass before I feel as though I’ve even started them. Yesterday (Tuesday) I found myself already putting an imaginary line through this week – every day accounted for. Of course it’s not quite like that but with four regular days work and an extra one on Sunday coming, it feels as though I have no time for myself. I want to find a way to earn more and work less.
Art opportunities are coming up and they’re starting to get more interesting – these are the things I really want to pursue, these are things that are important to me. I’ve got to find a way to make it all sustainable …
