It’s so nice to be here at the studio having been to the gym – the start of my day feels wonderfully familiar … or rather like a very welcome return to my preferred routine after several weeks … a month and a half or so … of an other way of being – working almost full-time in Enköping and having other activities that have kept me away from both the studio and the gym. It’s no news to me that both these places are necessary for my physical and mental well being, and while the various events – installing shows, openings, running workshops, taking down shows, meetings at the artists’ club – have been, for the most, enjoyable in themselves the combination of them with extra days of my ’bread’ job have lead to me feeling somewhat less than my best … somewhat frustrated and irritated, and not at home in my own body.
Now that I think about it things have been pretty hectic since March – when the deadline for proofreading the Supermarket art fair catalogue and magazine when fast approaching. Then came the final preparations for the Meetings programme, the fair itself (mid May), followed by the making and installing of the first of the three train station commissions (which I took down yesterday after it’s four week run).
I have been working at least 150% if not more so it’s no wonder that I am looking forward to taking time out from my 50% job. Some weeks it has felt that I have been working more than 200% – eight hour days at the council, two or three hours each evening for either the artists’ club or with various projects, and work/events (installing, openings, meetings) at the weekends too. It’s just not sustainable! Being single there’s no-one around to share the cooking with, to take care of the laundry and/or shopping … I won’t even mention the cleaning …, or to just be there giving that unspoken but very necessary love and support. I became very aware of this when I snapped and ranted at my dear friend K. She made an unfortunate turn of phrase to reflect on my lack of Instagram posts. After I very nearly broke down and cried while rattling off how much I was doing and have been dealing with … and how dare she tell me that I’m not doing enough … should be doing more … I realised that things have gotten very out of hand. We spoke the subsequent day – both of us apologised and then talked things through. I am usually a very calm … too calm? … person and I can count on one hand the number of occasions when I have been triggered and lost control. Those moments are always of course a breaking point and a very obvious sign that things have gotten way out of kilter and that tensions have been building unregulated. So now I know just how bad things have become, and it makes me even more confident in my decision to take a year out from the job with the council – a source of many diverse frustrations, irritations, disappointments, … if only I could run things like the art summer-school all year … how different things would be!
So a day at the studio! A day of sorting and ordering (in ’both’[?] senses of the word – putting things in order and also ordering some materials). There are various boxes and bags lying about on the floor – traces of workshops and projects/shows that were hastily left on flying visits here after busy days elsewhere. There is also a small stack of paperwork that I brought with me from home – things that need filing … sorting and ordering by another name … project notes, contacts, invoices (hopefully already paid), copies of texts. One of my aims for the coming weeks is to get on top of much of the administration and paperwork that has been left to it’s own devices for too long. I think of such things as ’structures for freedom’ … an appropriation of a much admired phrase that I learned at least 30 years ago in a dance workshop in Edinburgh … knowing that I have ’all’ (there aren’t that many!) the project contracts filed in date order and that they can be easily located is the kind of (physical) structure that creates a (mental) freedom for me.
This evening I should have been meeting an artist form the artists’ club to talk through some of the recent turbulent events. He has just asked to postpone until one evening next week – his daughter is making a surprise visit this weekend. I am very happy to postpone … it means that I can take my time and enjoy my day here without looking at the clock … I am pretty sure that I will end up playing with materials into the evening … I picked up some great upholstery fringing at a charity shop on the outskirts of Arboga yesterday …
