Project Me

The untitled Adelante groups show (very discretely) opens today. No fanfare, no vernissage but an article in the county newspaper – I have to wait until Monday to read that at work … or should I buy a copy today?

It is certainly the most diverse show that I have been in. It reminds me of exhibitions that I used to see at the library in the town where I did my foundation course. Even then I found those shows lacking something … or not really connecting with me.

Perhaps I am looking at things from the wrong perspective. Perhaps it is the very lack of cohesion that screams something that I do not want to admit – that I belong to a group of artists desperate to show and willing to take any opportunity to do so. A lack of critical judgement?

The number of mentees now seriously out weighs the number of mentors – not that we have those roles anymore. So to put it another way the number of non-Swedish born artists is far higher than the number of native Swedish artists. This significantly shifts things. When the group was part of the national Art of Participation project every non-Swede was partnered up with a Swede. To me this made sense when we exhibited together as there was a dialogue. I felt that both sides benefitted from the acknowledged crude but equal ratio of Swedes to non-Swedes. I do not get the same feeling from this show. What I get is a cacophony of disparate voices rather than conversations between international peers. Perhaps we just had better luck with our first show back in 2018. The work simply worked better together. The space was more conducive – three distinct rooms rather one large open space where inevitably a group show of sixteen artists presents something of a visual jumble (sale).

The space itself is not easy. It is a kind of mezzanine overlooking the café and facing the glazed facade of the building. The floor and walls are neutrally treated pine which lends a definite character (sauna-esque?) to the venue. The ceiling is not particularly low yet manages to feel as if it is. After installing my work I tried to take a couple of pictures for Instagram. I gave up after several attempts. The room, or our show, has committed the modern sin of not being Instagram friendly! I think that it would take a very skilled artist/curator to make a solo show work in the space. So perhaps I should not be so hard on our group attempt.

Full disclosure: all the artists are getting a fee for exhibiting. While this was not my sole reason for participating it certainly made the offer more attractive. It feels good to acknowledge this. The extra income is very welcome now that I have two studios to support. This was the first time that I calculated what my fee would be as part of my decision making process. Until now I have made judgements about participation based on less overtly economic factors. As far as I can recall I have always chosen to be in group shows because the show itself sounded interesting.

Writing this it dawns on me that I have never before been a member of an artists group that shows together. And now that I have had that realisation I wonder if I want to be part of a group that shows together. My initial interest in the Art of Participation was the opportunities for meeting other artists and making connections. It was never about putting on group exhibitions And the first thing that was mentioned when Adelante was formed was a project with an artists’ initiative in northern Sweden – that is what I have been holding on for – projects rather than shows. This distinction should make it easier for me to decide my level of involvement in the group’s activities.

I am happy if a project results in an exhibition. I am not however looking for a group of artists to exhibit with. I am pleased to have reached that conclusion, not least because it puts all my fears, apprehensions, concerns, and anxieties about the show in to context.

That all said I wonder if we will get any feedback about the show.

Adelante Group Show runs until 19 August at The Sports and Culture Centre, Knvista, Sweden

Today is Mother’s Day in Sweden. In the week I made a card to send to my mother. Specifically I drew a card for my mother. I cannot remember the last time that I ’simply’ drew what was in front of me. It was lovely taking time to do that. My drawing is very academic – certainly not what anyone would describe as expressive – it always has been, and in a way this is why I seldom draw. For whatever reason I found drawing very calming and rewarding. It might well have had something to do with the focus and immediacy it gave me. I noticed myself saying that I had lost focus on at least two occasions this week. I think that five months of doing my paid work from home have taken an unexpected toll on me. Actually a large part of it might be that I not doing my work from home – the things that I am doing are not what my job should be. My job, as I am frequently reminded by my manager, is about ’doing’, and this year there has been even less ’doing’ than there was last year. The highlight of my working week was some very simple doing – checking-off a delivery of materials to make 200 art-bags for the summer holidays. Thankfully there is some real doing on the horizon – a four-day summer school for children in the week before Midsummer. I am a bit anxious about it. It’s been over a year since I ran workshop and here I am about to jump back in with four full days! I am sure that it will be fine even if I am a bit rusty on the first morning. Everything is being done to make it as covid-safe as possible.

Another factor in my lack of focus is the number of things that I have going on at the moment. This is an important realisation and definitely something that I want to pay attention to. I have known for a while that I sit on too many committees and sub-committees, and that I am trying to operate in too many different spheres at the same time. It was really helpful to speak about this with a friend last night. My wise friend identified that I am in a period of transition – still doing what I used to do and at the same time starting to do what I want to do in the future. I am incredibly grateful for this analysis not least because it reminds me that it is not going to be like this forever!

I am a paranoid optimist … that’s not quite right but I think it’s going to take me while to work out how to neatly sum myself up so that phrase can sit for while. I am an optimist because I always think that things will be better in the future, but I am also paranoid because I think that things might turn out better when I am not involved. A case in point is the artist’s integration group that I am in. Everything points to the group being inappropriate for me, at the same time I am scared to leave in case things change and the group becomes better. I am very concerned about the show that the group is putting on this week. I have the strong feeling that it is going to be a mess, this is a feeling shared by at least one other artist in the same group with whom I am a good friend. We will find out shortly if our fears are justified! It makes sense to reserve judgement until the show is up and running. I was not involved in the previous exhibition that the group put on and I had reasons to be highly critical of how that show was organised (or not). Now I am experiencing the lack of organisation as a participant which makes things even more acute. I have to be honest with myself about how much time I can, and want, to commit to this group. If I had unlimited time I like to think that I could get more involved with the group and see if I could steer it in another direction. Realistically I do not have that time, or perhaps more accurately I do not want to risk taking time from other activities and spend it on something that may never be as I would want it. Sometimes I have problems recognising something for what it is rather than I want it to be …  I do not like to admit that things are not, nor likely to become, what I want them to be.

At the same as I enjoy doing new things, I find if difficult to let go of things. It is obvious that this results in having less and less time for more and more things. That situation is neither sustainable, pleasurable, nor useful! For this period of transition to be transitory I need to allow myself to change … and by change I mean let go.

The commute to the studio is quite pleasant (though I am aware of its environmental impact) and it seems to be becoming shorter. Obviously it is the same length, it is just that it is becoming familiar. I wonder how pleasant, or not, it will be in the winter. Should I accelerate my plans to move to Uppsala?

I am trying to reserve judgement on as much as possible until covid restrictions are less evident.

What is it about the new studio that makes me feel more professional just by being there? Professional by association … professional by context … ? The two artists whom I see and chat with regularly were also in the show in Tierp and in the regional presentations (they did not buy anything from me – which is actually a bit disappointing). I don’t know if I would dare say that we share some ambitions but there certainly seem to be areas where we a striving for similar things. Unfortunately this is not a feeling that I get with my studio-mates in Enköping. Perhaps it is as simple as that. Perhaps it has less to do with professionalism and more to do with affinity. In Uppsala I feel as though I am part of something that has a greater meaning for me.

This afternoon I showed a very nice woman one of the studios (in Enköping) that are available. She is a really nice older woman who though officially retired still does a bit of counselling work and is looking for somewhere away from home to pursue her hobby – painting. It is great that she wants to move in, and it is great that she paints, it is just that I am not sure that we will have that much in common. Again I should reserve judgement until I see her work.

Being judgemental is wrong. Is it okay to be discerning? Maybe being judgmental is not necessarily wrong … I have to make judgements, everybody has to make judgments … how I make those judgements is important. I think that I am struggling with how to make judgements at the moment. And there seem to be a lot of judgements to be made right now …

Everything is exciting and nothing is impossible … that is my default setting. This is obviously not true. However I find myself spending time doing things that actually turned out not to be so exciting or so possible, and yet for some reason I cannot admit that. Could it be egotism that prevents me from saying that I made a poor judgement? Or that judgements have best before dates. Or is it an over active (and more than likely misplaced) sense of loyalty that keeps me doing things that I should give up. Too often I wait for some external factor to make/take decisions for me. This I realise is not good.

Time to dig deep, summon up some courage, and do what needs to be done to find out if moving to Uppsala is feasible.

I remain convinced that I think differently under a white ceiling … or between white walls. No matter, I enjoy the feeling of light and space – no doubt enhanced by the generous distance between the studio window and the now abundantly leaved trees that turned a brilliant green over night.

Yesterday I played with the shirt collars that partner the cuffs that I had fun with last week. Again simply cleaning up the cut edge, buttoning them together, and hanging up on the wall. The collars bear the traces of their being neatly but tightly packed: a few are heavily creased others just a bit wrinkly. The shape of the collar pieces produces a more angular (?) … jagged? … vibrant? … line than that of the cuffs, and hanging there it seems more chaotic and excited than its companion piece. Both put me mind of patchwork quilts – the soft tones and textures of well worn clothes, the sometimes odd contrasts of colours and patterns, the repetitive yet distinct forms.

As they are now the pieces are about 2 meters 50 by 90 centimeters. I have used a little under one-third of all that I have. I am interested to see what happens if I continue and each piece becomes as wide as it is high. This is not what I thought I would be doing with the material. And I am actively having to stop myself from saying that this is not art.

Today I looked through some older work: work from 2005/06. I was in search of pieces that might appeal to an art association buying for their members’ lottery. On Tuesday Uppsala hospital’s art association’s management committee are coming to the studios and all of us here have been invited to present work that could be of interest. Another first for me! It is interesting trying to imagine what might appeal to art appreciative nurse or doctor. The challenge is not as daunting as it could be as I went on a guided tour of new commissions permanently installed in the extensive new hospital buildings. I do not know if the art association were directly involved in the commissions but I do know that they encounter a wide range of contemporary artworks in their everyday professional environment. I also know that as members of Sweden’s national art association organisation the management committee each receive a quarterly arts magazine (it is the same magazine that I get because I am on the art association committee in Enköping). It is somehow reassuring to know that if they do not buy from me it is because they do not like my work rather than them not knowing about contemporary practice: an informed rejection – if you will!

Work place art associations were once very common in Sweden. Enköping’s art association started at the Bahco adjustable spanner factory in 1944, and it was only a few years ago that Enköping council employees wound-up their own art association. Many of these associations were formed after the second world war when Sweden transformed itself, and employers both national and private actively engaged with offering their employees extracurricular opportunities – often but not exclusively cultural or sporting. It can be seen as a legacy of Dr Westerlund’s whole person approach to health: employers invested in numerous associations and sometimes even went as far as building holiday villages, they of course reaped the benefits of having happy healthy employees.

That said, I have made a selection of older embroidery pieces that I shall wash and press over the weekend. It will be nice to see them up on a wall again after fourteen or so years in storage. If I have time I might make one or two new pieces (not embroideries) based on an idea that I had on my residency at WIP in 2009.

A day at the new studio* playing with some of the shirt cuffs that Elena Thomas sent to me last year (two years ago?) made real the possibilities of working differently there. The clean space, the good lighting, and the white wall that I can easily pin things to all contributed to me finishing the day feeling that maybe something was starting to happen. I had unpacked the cuffs at the old studio but had not come so long with them. What I had made in Enköping was tight and small – quite different to the large and loose ’thing’ that developed in Uppsala. Working in the high ceilinged bright light clean sparsely furnished room gave the work the opportunity to expand … gave me the opportunity to expand – site specificity? It is interesting to wonder if having a ’white cube’ studio might result in work that suits a ’white cube’ gallery. I was brought up to be at least critical of white cube galleries with their inherent commercial interests, elitist agendas, and less than ’art for all’ accessibility. Though even while studying at Dartington (87 – 90) I questioned whether the ’white cube’ was in itself the problem. I am still wrestling with this!

Looking at my playful creation in its white cube gave me the possibility to see it as an object in its own right. It was as though it demonstrated an authority – it claimed space.

*how long can I call it the new studio? … the Uppsala Studio? Studio B? Studio UA (abbreviation of Uppsala)